Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Human Frailtydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BusterLILblock
    ASL Info:    21/F
    Elite Ratio:    3.51 - 452/270/50
    Words: 223
    Class/Type: Story/Serious
    Total Views: 1010
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1471



    Description:
       I tried my best to put what was in my head on paper.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHuman Frailtydots
    -------------------------------------------


    She fixed her posture.
    "I will stand up for myself"
    That hand she dreaded came flying towards her face. The sting rippled through her cheek.

    He leaned back.
    "I swore I would never"
    That thought he never wanted to think dawned on him heavily.

    They drop to the floor.
    "What will we do now?"
    Those hands clasping one another tightly as their tear filled eyes take a last look at their parents graves.

    What courage!
    What a decision...
    What next?

    A woman spending a night alone for the first time after 50 years.

    A man burning inside as he leaves what he once knew as a living.

    A boy blaming himself for his mothers absence.

    A mother burying her only child's silent cry.

    A girl
    A brother
    A solider

    Promise you will go on,
    Promise you will never loose hope,
    Promise your loved ones that you will conquer.

    The same story told hundreds of times still effects each heart differently every time.

    Words can never describe their pain.

    Maybe we should cry tonight...
    Maybe we could heal whats left of this..
    Maybe just maybe we can try.

    To each his own, evenly set for them.

    They can handle this.








    Submitted on 2011-03-11 14:19:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      ...

    Truly an amazing piece...
    Im stunned, beautiful work, the flow, the meaning, it all works perfectly together in harmony and makes the reader focused on the piece.
    It makes you think

    ;-)

    This is one of the best pieces I have read... Keep up the good work.

    -Kwanying-
    | Posted on 2011-03-16 00:00:00 | by Kwanying | [ Reply to This ]
      wOw. How did my comment end up that long?
    | Posted on 2011-03-14 00:00:00 | by coloredstone | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm. It is a little bit confusing at first sight because it talks about a lot of different people and it's hard to follow who is who. Is the woman of 76 the same woman who says she will stand up for herself? Is the young man the same man who swore he would never? At a second reading I assume that you are talking about many different individuals all with a similar plight.

    (She fixed her posture.
    "I will stand up for myself"
    That hand she dreaded came flying towards her face. The sting rippled through her cheek.)

    I like this starting verse. I can imagine many different physical "she"s straightening their backs. It's really catchy that she should say "I will stand up for myself" and immediately in the next verse she is slapped. It suggests that there really is nothing you could do to stop oppression physically. But you can do something by not giving in mentally. Like Fredrick Douglass!

    (He leaned back.
    "I swore I would never"
    That thought he never wanted to think dawned on him heavily.)

    Ok, at first this sounded to me like this man has just killed someone. At the very first reading I thought it was him who slapped the previous speaker. If, though, these two indivuals have seperate experiences, what did he swear? what thought did he not want to think of? These questions don't have clear answers, but convey confusion and pain.

    (They drop to the floor.
    "What will we do now?"
    Those hands clasping one another tightly as their tear filled eyes take a last look at their parents graves.)

    Who drops to the floor? (At first I thought the two speakers drop to the floor. Ah!) Out of remorse, out of longing, out of sadness? And now I am starting to get an idea. Each stanza is an individual experience with an oppressor. These are orphans whose parents and childhood and innocence have been robbed. It radiates in that line: what will we do now?

    (What courage!
    What a decision...
    What next?

    A woman of 76 spending a night alone for the first time after 50 years.

    A man of 25 burning inside as he leaves what he once knew as a living.

    A boy of 7 blaming himself for his mothers absence.)

    I didn't like the use of numbers in these. It kind of made it sound more prose like? What if you suggested their ages instead of explicitly mentioning them? A woman with tears on her wrinkle lined face? A man's youthful energy burning a flame...? A boy who was just beginning to learn about the world? Or something like that? Like always, just my opinion.

    (A mother burying her only child's silent cry.

    A girl
    A brother
    A solider)

    List. I love lists. Allow me to make another suggestion? What if you said:

    She was a daughter.
    He was a brother.
    He was a soldier.

    It puts a little more weight into the words I think.

    (Promise you will go on,
    Promise you will never loose hope,
    Promise your loved ones that you will conquer.

    The same story told hundreds of times still effects each heart differently every time.)

    True that!

    (Words can never describe their pain.)

    But yours almost did just that

    (Maybe we should cry tonight...
    Maybe we could heal whats left of this..
    Maybe just maybe we can try.)

    Maybe we should cry tonight, with them. Maybe we should try to help them. Maybe we should try, because there is no doubt that we could if it was meant to be.

    (To each his own, evenly set for them.

    They can handle this.)

    No soul is given a burden more than they can bear.

    Great read, Fana. It was just a little confusing at first sight, and I'm still not sure I got it but I guess it's like a war, right? Anyway I think if you tweak it it could be a five star piece. Tell me how I can improve mine, please!

    | Posted on 2011-03-14 00:00:00 | by coloredstone | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    189848

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Incubus written by monad
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Giving written by jjd
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Bond written by saartha
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry