Hmm. It is a little bit confusing at first sight because it talks about a lot of different people and it's hard to follow who is who. Is the woman of 76 the same woman who says she will stand up for herself? Is the young man the same man who swore he would never? At a second reading I assume that you are talking about many different individuals all with a similar plight.
(She fixed her posture.
"I will stand up for myself"
That hand she dreaded came flying towards her face. The sting rippled through her cheek.)
I like this starting verse. I can imagine many different physical "she"s straightening their backs. It's really catchy that she should say "I will stand up for myself" and immediately in the next verse she is slapped. It suggests that there really is nothing you could do to stop oppression physically. But you can do something by not giving in mentally. Like Fredrick Douglass!
(He leaned back.
"I swore I would never"
That thought he never wanted to think dawned on him heavily.)
Ok, at first this sounded to me like this man has just killed someone. At the very first reading I thought it was him who slapped the previous speaker. If, though, these two indivuals have seperate experiences, what did he swear? what thought did he not want to think of? These questions don't have clear answers, but convey confusion and pain.
(They drop to the floor.
"What will we do now?"
Those hands clasping one another tightly as their tear filled eyes take a last look at their parents graves.)
Who drops to the floor? (At first I thought the two speakers drop to the floor. Ah!) Out of remorse, out of longing, out of sadness? And now I am starting to get an idea. Each stanza is an individual experience with an oppressor. These are orphans whose parents and childhood and innocence have been robbed. It radiates in that line: what will we do now?
What a decision...
A woman of 76 spending a night alone for the first time after 50 years.
A man of 25 burning inside as he leaves what he once knew as a living.
A boy of 7 blaming himself for his mothers absence.)
I didn't like the use of numbers in these. It kind of made it sound more prose like? What if you suggested their ages instead of explicitly mentioning them? A woman with tears on her wrinkle lined face? A man's youthful energy burning a flame...? A boy who was just beginning to learn about the world? Or something like that? Like always, just my opinion.
(A mother burying her only child's silent cry.
List. I love lists. Allow me to make another suggestion? What if you said:
She was a daughter.
He was a brother.
He was a soldier.
It puts a little more weight into the words I think.
(Promise you will go on,
Promise you will never loose hope,
Promise your loved ones that you will conquer.
The same story told hundreds of times still effects each heart differently every time.)
(Words can never describe their pain.)
But yours almost did just that
(Maybe we should cry tonight...
Maybe we could heal whats left of this..
Maybe just maybe we can try.)
Maybe we should cry tonight, with them. Maybe we should try to help them. Maybe we should try, because there is no doubt that we could if it was meant to be.
(To each his own, evenly set for them.
They can handle this.)
No soul is given a burden more than they can bear.
Great read, Fana. It was just a little confusing at first sight, and I'm still not sure I got it but I guess it's like a war, right? Anyway I think if you tweak it it could be a five star piece. Tell me how I can improve mine, please!