Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bisnonna in the Grassdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Santi
    Elite Ratio:    7.28 - 299/307/90
    Words: 161
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 829
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 984



    Description:
       Could use some prodding, I think.

    Bisnonna is Italian for great-grandmother.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBisnonna in the Grassdots
    -------------------------------------------



    how she rises from the crackling chair
    & sits down in the grass

    with a sudden ripe weight,
    her look distracted, given up,
    as if another needle has been lost
    in the dusky shadows.

    & how she leans back,
    all at once, heavily on the lattice;
    her eyes closed, hands slightly open
    on her lap, so that the needle does slip,

    glinting from her fingers into the tangle
    of grass & threads: the downy leaf that falls
    from the grasp of vines, a muted green
    leaf exactly the shape & size

    of a five-year-old's handprint, as if
    her own hand has floated down so softly
    to land on my cheek. & how it stays there,
    unspeakable in its falling & its stopping,

    as if the wind has ended; as if the actual sky
    has been emptied of its air & heavens.




    Submitted on 2011-03-13 04:39:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I've been meaning to get to this one for about a thousand years. I have.

    There is something denser here than your usual style -- it has a lot of weight, a lot of images and layers and meaning, and you've managed it so well (in terms of how one may manage a crowd of people, for example) -- everything is tied up, almost unpleasantly so (because it is an upsetting piece) and it has this unbearable texture to it. That having been said, it still carries your usual understated tone -- and it's fecking gorgeous.

    Aging thoroughly alarms me. Not so much myself aging, but my parents, in particular my da. I don't know why -- though I guess it's natural, to worry about it.

    The needle and thread reference is stunning. I'm thinking in particular of the threads being tangled, and the needle, which guides the thread, going missing -- and how that makes me think of the fates spinning, and how people become enmeshed in one another's lives, hopelessly tangled, so that we may not move without moving another. That idea, in the context of this poem, is bleak as hell, and subtle, too -- like it's just an idea or concept running through the words here.

    Something about the leaf falling like a five year old's hand -- something about the falling, how that parallels with the needle, but has stronger implications of death and gravity, and less something going missing, more something being lost, something which cannot be regained. Unspeakable, you say in the poem, and it really is.

    It's also great how you begin with a 'how' but never answer it -- it's a weight left on the reader -- you talk around it, quite thoroughly delineate it, but are never too exact about it. It adds a depth to this -- and parallels with the idea of death perfectly.

    One nit while I read this: I don't want there to be a full stop after dusky shadows. I want it to be a comma or semi-colon -- simply because it reads with a certain run-on effect, and that also parallels with the idea of death and inevitability -- and that full stop somehow stops me before I think I should be stopped. But it's just a thought, and a very minor one at that.

    Anyway, as this is clearly just me rambling about why this is so good, I'm gonna stop now.

    Aly
    | Posted on 2011-04-04 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      Its thoroughly beautiful and touching!!! The detail is mesmerising like everything is happening in slowwww motion.

    needle is falling in slowwwww motion.

    also it is so vivid, i can almost see the mesh of wrinkles on her hands and resignation in her eyes.

    and the last lines are magic... i have never seen such a moving description of emptiness anywhere else.

    | Posted on 2011-03-16 00:00:00 | by ShiveringFire | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really beautiful. I used to be terrified of old people... all the powder and rouge and blue hair was horrifying. I used to cry as a child when I was around someone very old, I remember recoiling from the thin hands and thinking the wrinkles were painful looking. I couldn't imagine them ever being young, when they would tell me a story of being young or having children. I even felt strange around them in my mid-20's. But then I met my friend Betty's grandmother, who was at some barbecue and sitting out by the pool. I didn't know anybody else, and she had been kinda watching me I guess, and started talking. And she was FUNNY. and so sharp, that she peaked my interest. I didn't know what to talk about, but she was asking the kids who were leaving, "Oh, you gotta BLAZE now huh?" and then she started talking to me about something and told me her age, and I was like, "NO WAY!" and she said "WAY!" and then said, "Let me tell you something... When I was in my 30's I worried about stuff, when I was in my 40's I thought my life would soon be over... and then 50's, it was like, this isn't bad.... 60's was a blast. Even 70, I thought it was all going to be great. But when I hit 80? Everything just fell completely apart."

    I found out in October that she had died, and I was so sad. I wanted to see her again, wished I had spent the whole day talking to her and I simply blew it. She blazed. And how bright and terrible it was.

    When I am old (which I think I can accept now... most of the pressure was at 27 to be a 'club death' like the greats), I will finally grow into my [censored] It attitude, I hope, without worrying people so much. And I plan to have lots of sex and be the funniest person ever. But I still ccry to think about it. But supposedly, it's all a smooth ride between 50-80, so maybe it will be good once this crisis of mid-life passes.

    I love your Bisnonna just from reading her through your eyes and words :) and I think it is perfect As-Is.
    | Posted on 2011-03-15 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      Good title

    I get mixed messages here: conceptually I'm not sure of what is going on: and I think in every poem, no matter how simple or complex, cryptic or observational, there must always be a clear concept

    SO I'm getting some fondness for someone, but the voice sounds like something from the 19th century and akin to how a young fair maiden would be described: but she isn't - and I read your comment after the poem so I was thrown way off - and felt slightly strange

    And what are you saying? You can leave us hanging, if you've said what you want to say - but I'm not sure you have:

    observational and minimalist in its incompleteness but frustrating and unfinished to a reader

    at least to me - but I'm not poet :-)
    | Posted on 2011-03-14 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      This is your best yet (of the ones I've read).

    I didn't know you could write like that. (that people could write like that).
    | Posted on 2011-03-13 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      I read this earlier and had to take some time to digest it before responding. But now I feel no closer to being constructive than I did earlier. All I can think to give are compliments... especially when, as Jacob says, this piece has so much heart.

    To me the poem is the lens through which we can zoom in and view the world more closely, and you have so aptly and reverently done this here.

    We feel Bisnonna's every movement; the pain of it, the submission. I have tears in my eyes.

    There are lines in this that are fantastically delicate, with just the right amount of... (my words are failing me) but the touch is just right. "Sudden ripe weight" I really liked a lot, and the leaf image followed by her hand resting against your cheek... Wow...
    | Posted on 2011-03-13 00:00:00 | by BlankSheet | [ Reply to This ]
      i know you want prodding here...but as much as i try to see any flaws here..i don't---

    i see a portrait of your great-grandmother...but a poem with such universal application...

    any elder relative...who seems to be submitting to the end of days...falling like the leaf...and we always talk about how the elderly can also be much like children again before they pass...they need to be taken care of just as they did when children..they are like children again..

    i like the leaf part...the imprint she made upon you...as the leaf lies upon your face...as the wind stills...life stills...

    or just a moment of appreciation for this woman...a snapshot to capture it.

    beautifully written piece with so much heart..and you are always so visual..

    we see and hear what you show us...we feel it...you put us there.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-03-13 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    189868

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Live In Between written by teika5
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Dream written by closetpoet
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Deep written by Janesaddiction

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry