Two faces...One person -------------------------------------------
I stood in front of a mirror today and was taken back by what I saw...Two of me. One was a shadow of who I once was...the other was who I am today...The sight got me to think of just who was I then...A child of my youth so troubled but yet I was still happy...I found smiles to come often and freely..Talking to a stranger at ease...Being care free and spontaneous was second nature...No one could really ever tell that I was living in a personal hell...No one knew that when I was at home I was feeling slaps across the face..Being touched in places I was to young to even be touched or know what it was to be touched there...It was not a normal day if I was not told id never make a man happy because I was simply not good enough..yet I always found a way to block out the negative and focus on what was next..How could I be better...Bring home another "A" and maybe I would not have to feel the pain I so much feared..But I was with friends and playing make believe so I was able to hide it and hide it well...Then there is the me I am today...Very much the opposite of who I was then...The woman I am today..is always showing her depression and the hurt she is feeling...She cant cover it up anymore...Make believe just does not work when you grown up...The dreams I once had are shattered and I am not sure how to make them true...So scared of being a disappointment to those who have come to know me in this state I have come to make and accept..My deepest desires and fears are so far down deep that I myself am to afraid to reach down and get...So sad that I am the one in control of my life and destiny...And I am the one who is holding myself back...because why? Because Im scared of what I could be...Im scared of defying the odds and just doing something that may not be looked at as acceptable by those who have come to know me...I am the smart responsible one...Always doing things by the book to avoid any negative response...Staying in the background and watching people do the things I most deeply desire but simple do not try for the outcome just may not be the "right" thing..So when do I break free of this hold and say "fuck it" Take my views on life as a child and apply them to the woman I am today to make myself the one person I can love and be proud of?...It must start sometime and It starts today...So when I look into the mirror in 10 years I see one...
So sorry to read this... if it is not merely a piece of fiction may i offer you a suggestion... you may join some organisation to help and support abused children.
and be strong,,, it happens with several children and you cant let the past ruin your NOW.. for simple reason that it is PAST.
Besides, you are very much capable of having a healthy, loving relationship because you will rarely HURT the other person. This tragedy has blessed you in one way,,, you know the big difference between pure love and pure lust,,, a thing one cant learn in any other way.
may be i am rambling but i guess you understood what i meant.
Heidegger spoke a lot about the concept you discuss in this piece, in his book Sein und Zeit (Being and Time). To give you a narrow and basic run-down, he said that a being does not exist in the present - the present does not exist, for one, but more so because human beings exist in their projection of themselves in the future. We know that change is a continuous affliction of ours, and so in knowing this, we have a vague idea of what we'll become. In our day to day life, this means things like: "I need milk." at which point your being becomes the purchasing of milk at the corner store. At least until you accomplish the deed. The importance of this, I find, can be accessed if you sit and observe people on a public bench. Notice how people are never present in their walking - or at least, very rarely. Instead, their mind is idling until they reach their destination. But like any moving object, once you reach a point, there always comes another, and another, etc. And so really, this point that you see in the mirror, this childlike liberation within yourself, that is already who you are, in a sense. And it will be until you begin to see a new point (regardless of whether or not you actually reach the childlike liberation point).
Anyways, I at least think that's how Heidegger would relate to you.