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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Marsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ShiveringFire
    Elite Ratio:    4.9 - 328/84/22
    Words: 64
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 770
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 384



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMarsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Yes, i can see the Mars from here
    And each red blade of grass growing on it
    And all the rivers flowing inside of it
    Yes, each of them,-- dried up veins flooding.

    But ofcourse, Mars fails to notice me
    Like you couldnt notice me yesterday
    When i gazed at you for
    full five minutes, twelve seconds
    in the rearview mirror.




    Submitted on 2011-03-17 00:38:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      i agree with previous feedback--short and sweet...

    i like the "five minutes twelve seconds"

    like, hey i gave you that much time to notice me...what more do you want?

    the guy is so full of himself or so unaware...the veins, the fertility..all that he could be for another is dried up from lack of use...
    including i assume...brains!

    nifty little piece here, shivering.

    great way to get my day started!

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-21 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, men are from Mars and sometimes it seems they have left their minds there. The essence of that best selling book points to the differences between men and women and the very good reasons for the gulf which continues to exist even between the best of mated pairs. I've been married for 34 years, so I know of what I speak(but I don't always know her).

    Perhaps it will help to remember the "walk a mile in his moccasins" thing I just wrote in reply to your nice comment, but sadly the men's sizes will not fit a woman's feet so even that doesn't work here. Oh well, C'est la vie!
    | Posted on 2011-04-09 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      
    This is such a great poem, really, & achieves so much despite only being 9 lines. The way it starts out with a confirmation of something so impossible immediately captured me, & with the details, it's almost as tho you're proving that you can see Mars from here, & there's something personal about the attention you give to it that makes itself known in the last stanza. You notice Mars the way you notice whoever is in the rearview mirror, tho neither notice you.

    There's frustration, but it's not suffocating, almost more recognition of the lack of attention from that which you've give attention to. It can be difficult when you don't get what you've given. I like the specifics in the last stanza. The "yesterday" & "full five minutes, twelve seconds" the "rearview mirror". It works in the same way the noting of Mar's details did in the first stanza, & really brings the two together.

    A couple small things to offer up: the repetition of "it" in the second & third line tripped me up, tho I don't have an immediate suggestion on what you could do about that. The comma after "them" seems unnecessary with the dash doing the job. & "ofcourse" should be two words.

    That's it.

    This is great.
    | Posted on 2011-04-05 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this greatly. First I'll make the joke that came to mind... According to Sarah Dumbsh!t Palin, since you can see it from here, you're now an expert and totally qualified to rule it. YOU are now more of an expert than Marvin-the-Martian!

    And with that out of my head, let's go back to the poem. I like this because I liked the surprise jump to the mirror, and the longing. I read in this that when looking at Mars, and seeing the blades of grass... You're seeing what you want to see. You're looking at it in a way that isn't real... and implies, you're looking the same way at Someone who you're seeing deeper for what you think is there, than what is really there. You're giving a flat, dead rock more life than it has.

    And the rear-view mirror... that to me says, they're behind you but you're still hopeful. A Retrospect thing.

    Very awesome, and I think I will be reading this one awhile.
    | Posted on 2011-03-21 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      wowah! OK, so at first i was confused about the Mars thing, but it's a cool take... and then BAM! outta nowhere you tie it in with the gazing and the longing.. five minutes and twelve seconds... i have SO been there... so close and yet so very far away...

    this is a great write, i love the imagery you invoke and the textures.... wonderful!
    | Posted on 2011-03-20 00:00:00 | by Oracle | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the last stanza very moving and brings you back to earth, literally. The first stanza i really love. Describing a dead planet with life and love what a great twist but knowing that they are really dried up like most things we learn to love we become bored and notice the flaws in the intricate designs. Lovely piece very short and enjoyable.
    | Posted on 2011-03-19 00:00:00 | by Soulraven | [ Reply to This ]
      the contradictions in this are marvelous...for theme..

    the red grass on mars...the dried up veins flooding with nothingness...

    as i am , because i left you behind without ever even speaking to you..

    i saw you in the rear view mirror..just like looking up at Mars..and got about that close.

    red blades of grass...red like in a heart...like the blood of passion flowing...

    but you never looked up..i was your Mars if you gave me a chance..something between us could have flowed...

    this has lots of words in between the words...i like how much is here that isn't...

    even in my rear view mirror i am seeing more things...

    nice piece

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-03-17 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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