Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: True Lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 165
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 565
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 995



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTrue Lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I lie lonelily here, thinking of you
    Missing a thing I can never have
    I hold her tight, yet still alone
    So broken now, I have no home

    She probably sees through my smile
    And through this lack of tears
    But as my heart throbs, my face is calm
    My poker face suggests nothing's wrong

    I shouldn't hate her for not knowing
    Ignorant to all the pain here
    But be happy for her oblivion
    Of the teeth that would sink in

    A lie would say "I want this"
    I always lose on all sides
    If I run, stay, or roll
    Love still takes its toll

    And of some love I am envious
    Yet they all tempt loves limit
    If they could see as I do
    Not another soul would hurt you

    But I'd be a hypocrit to try again
    At least as things are now
    She deserves a fair chance too
    Though, the more I try the less feels true




    Submitted on 2011-03-18 13:53:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      the shifting of person in this creates a bit of difficulty in reading it...

    but the last line of the first stanza is so good...and the entire 4th stanza i really like..

    and the idea of this as i see it..

    she left me alone, she is with someone else and i can see that he will let her down...i wouldn't do that..i would like to be back with her...
    but alas...how much can i take..is it worth the possible pain again..to try to get her away from him?

    lots of feelings in this...some adjustments in person...some of the phrasing, smoothing out the grammar and maybe tightening this up...perhaps ....and the impact is strengthened....we would feel it much more strongly...

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-03-18 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    189950

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    written by Daniel Barlow
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    One Day written by WriteSomething
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Push written by JanePlane
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Wavelength written by saartha
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Bond written by saartha
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Giving written by jjd
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry