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    dots Submission Name: True Lovedots

    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.8 - 23/161/138
    Words: 165
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 606
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 995


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTrue Lovedots

    I lie lonelily here, thinking of you
    Missing a thing I can never have
    I hold her tight, yet still alone
    So broken now, I have no home

    She probably sees through my smile
    And through this lack of tears
    But as my heart throbs, my face is calm
    My poker face suggests nothing's wrong

    I shouldn't hate her for not knowing
    Ignorant to all the pain here
    But be happy for her oblivion
    Of the teeth that would sink in

    A lie would say "I want this"
    I always lose on all sides
    If I run, stay, or roll
    Love still takes its toll

    And of some love I am envious
    Yet they all tempt loves limit
    If they could see as I do
    Not another soul would hurt you

    But I'd be a hypocrit to try again
    At least as things are now
    She deserves a fair chance too
    Though, the more I try the less feels true

    Submitted on 2011-03-18 13:53:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      the shifting of person in this creates a bit of difficulty in reading it...

    but the last line of the first stanza is so good...and the entire 4th stanza i really like..

    and the idea of this as i see it..

    she left me alone, she is with someone else and i can see that he will let her down...i wouldn't do that..i would like to be back with her...
    but alas...how much can i take..is it worth the possible pain again..to try to get her away from him?

    lots of feelings in this...some adjustments in person...some of the phrasing, smoothing out the grammar and maybe tightening this up...perhaps ....and the impact is strengthened....we would feel it much more strongly...

    | Posted on 2011-03-18 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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