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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ars poeticadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Santi
    Elite Ratio:    7.28 - 299/307/90
    Words: 31
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 665
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 239



    Description:
       short'un.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsars poeticadots
    -------------------------------------------



    & the girls

    are putting their heads together
    into a haiku, the exhaust
    from their murmuring mouths

    inflating the pellucid bag
    of the world.




    Submitted on 2011-03-19 15:35:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I'm with the one below me...

    The start is unconventional (good) and immediate. And unique (good)

    And the next 3 lines are intriguing, and interesting

    And you're lazy and it's arrogant to think that this is enough. It doesn't do anything or mean anything or trigger anything

    And I feel this because you filter through such a lot of all the same writing to find something good, and this (you) could be

    But it has made me want to check your other work out
    | Posted on 2011-03-19 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      if this were my poem, this might be how it turned up on the page, say i posted it, the poem went live and i could see it that way.

    now either i'm happy or i change it immediately.
    sometimes it's that you are rock climbing and taking the climb in stages, it's good to get a hold. holds are great, so much better than falling, you appreciate the view.

    blah blah blah.

    quite often that's what happens with poems, you get down the salt and then consider the spices.

    i don't like this poem as it is.
    maybe, i must need glasses or more sleeping because i did the same thing on Aly's page: i read comstubble instead of cornstubble. i loved comstumble, i really did like it.

    here, i read to exhaust from their murmuring mouths.


    and do you know how you start of with the &.

    & the girls

    are putting their heads together
    into a haiku, to exhaust
    from their murmuring mouths

    I loved how immediate that was, so close grouped and lovely for its smallness.


    at this point in the climb i love not what it was but what it could be.

    now- granted, i'm a jerk. i like music, i like girls, i like fight sports, i like rugby.

    it's not to for me to say what you like or what you should write about,

    but rather than what it is, i really want to see what it could be, and then i think you'll have written what's most important.




    | Posted on 2011-03-19 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      ah new title.."the art of poetry"

    life is poetry, the girls, innocent...not tainted by the shallow, transparent world...

    putting their heads together into a poem... the girls are life...perhaps that is something we demean by putting it into words...

    maybe we make it shallow by defining it...

    | Posted on 2011-03-19 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      describing the world in haiku...

    interesting piece...the "pellucid" world...transparent...

    either the haiku are shallow or the world or both..

    life being defined in three short lines....

    not much else to say about it...(i mean life)

    or the world around us...shallow people...
    and haiku is usually about nature, so this speaks to me of the nature of people...and how shallow they can be...

    "exhaust" being something expelled..from murmuring mouths..nothing substantial is said...because the world is not so good right now...like fumes we don't want to breathe in...

    can go a lot of directions with this very good short piece...
    i always feel less is more...and here is a good example...you leave me breathless...and reading again and again...

    thank you for that

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-03-19 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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