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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Weakdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: taintedsmiles
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 64/90/75
    Words: 203
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 696
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1471



    Description:
       i had a bad day. lol


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWeakdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'm going to get straight,
    with you.
    I have been down for some-
    time.
    And lately I've been thinking things;
    wishing things,
    were fine.
    But all is not well,
    inside this hell:
    of a mind of mine;
    that simply won't simmer.
    All the words I have formed,
    locked behind these lips,
    burn as I choke them back down.
    So to stay silent,
    and unnoticed.
    Everything is alright.
    But the beasts in my eyes have been- squeezing.
    Milking out all the tears.
    And I no longer,
    have the descency,
    to hide.
    I feel like my insides,
    have fallen out.
    My heart is shriviling inside me.
    These tears are blinding,
    I can't see:
    anything...
    But you do;
    and clearly everything-
    is not alright...
    Everything feels lost,
    as I know I can hold it all-
    in my hands.
    I can only tremble with:
    failure.
    It is all my fault.
    I am not strong enough.
    Can't hold on long enough.
    Visions of my death are:
    satisfying.
    But the conquences are not:
    gratifying.
    So I just sit here,
    tremble, and burn.
    My heart shriviling-
    in hurt.
    I am silent,
    as these tears turn cold on my cheeks.
    I am simply not strong.
    Therefore,
    I must be weak.




    Submitted on 2011-03-21 13:03:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      A bad day? We've all been there. I agree with Jacob that there are some startlingly unique lines in your poem:"milking out tears" is my favourite. They're even starker because most of the language you use is quite literal. I also like that you don't use too many adjectives. "Show, don't tell" and all that. I think your choice of words generally works well, and you could make a really good write if you focused on using language to invoke images like that more often.

    I'm sure there's a reason for it, but I'll bite anyway: what's with the punctuation? It seems like you've chosen commas, en-dashes, semicolons, colons and ellipses at random and lumped them on the end of each line. And sometimes in the middle of lines. It makes the poem a lot harder to read, and in the end I just ignored all your punctuation.

    Anyway I hope writing the poem got your bad day out of your system. My comment seems critical, but I enjoyed reading it.

    Take care,

    Ben
    | Posted on 2011-03-21 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]
      "the beasts in my eyes have been squeezing"

    wonderful personification there...

    would love to see more of that kind of imagery here...that is unique phrasing....


    | Posted on 2011-03-21 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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