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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Corvus Coraxdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Santi
    Elite Ratio:    7.28 - 299/307/90
    Words: 213
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1090
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1351



    Description:
       I'm such a sucky titler.

    Could use some editing methinks, ya.



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCorvus Coraxdots
    -------------------------------------------



    ravens are the birds I'll miss most when I die;
    their darkness into which we must look, composed
    of black light & lithe intelligence.
    infernally cautious, they have made their nest
    somewhere in the fringe of woods
    beyond the field.

    they fly from one tree to another, hawk-like,
    hanging themselves on the air, the same way I hang
    in sleep, between one day & the next; arms
    lengthening across sheets, pores yearning to release
    vanes of barbs. few have witnessed the arrival
    of each black sheath; it is this me in half-raven shape,
    that is my greatest nakedness.

    :

    & maybe we do not die at all,
    but become ravens instead; dead consuming the dead
    as a means to ferry them skyward, already
    in the belly of heaven; this could be our after-life
    existence. though it may sound gruesome,
    wouldn't it make sense?

    Nonna crosses herself, calls this sacrilegious,
    but if I have a religious practice, if God speaks to me,
    it is in the contemplation of these birds,
    always watching me as I watch them;
    so hard that I have felt their black feathers
    split out from my skin.




    Submitted on 2011-03-23 17:21:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think this is good because in some ways i just don't get that way of thinking

    or like gothic types that like to (and here, you colour this in, i told you i don't do descriptions)

    i don't get that. or vampire groupies, firstly, how can you be a vampire groupie, because, doesn't that, wouldn't that, require a vampire?

    you don't see many of those.

    but hey,
    whatever.

    if i may, i would like to take this a section at a time, but first a quick summary, lots of this compels me. lots of this is amazing. some spots are quite boring (flat, when considered- by comparison).

    & i think you could make more of a few spots, i'm going to be hypocritical a little and say that in the movie 'interview with a vampire' Louis has a voice- and i love that kind of narration
    and in this poem you strike this absolute kind of voice, as i read it, and sometimes, as i read it with slight adjustments.

    ravens are the birds I'll miss most when I die;

    i feel like this line needs a slight pause between birds and i'll
    in that way it's like a statement/half statement. like saying ravens are the [censored] and like saying ravens are the birds i'll miss most when i die, but only using one sentence to say 1 1/2 things.

    their darkness into which we must look,

    i love this line, that's bs ( what you wrote)because we don't have to look into their darkness at all, but, as you put it: so i believe it.


    composed
    of black light & lithe intelligence.

    the amperstand/sand thingum, i can never remember which one it is until i see you write it...

    is a hinge point. as is composed

    and that composed part, gosh that is really quite powerful and lovely, it hangs there as a naming station and ushers out these three strong sharp. sounds, black light and

    to put - lithe intelligence right next to them is a dilution imo, because it's a run on
    whereas if you let & hang there a moment
    at the end of the line
    and then underneath it is

    lithe intelligence, then, don't ask me why, but i believe the words have a quick effect about them, particularly intelligence which is flat out fast like a cobra.

    &, i think that suits and serves the voice.
    and suits and serves the content.


    infernally cautious, they have made their nest
    somewhere in the fringe of woods
    beyond the field.

    and for some reason i like it when it's read:

    they'll have....

    i like that because it shows the narrators knowledge/familiarity with the birds, it's shows the nature of the birds as that relates to being cautious/ yet curious. or what have you. it's predictive. and somehow i think that works.

    and i like how your paragraph/strophe
    sort of trails off, somewhere works well as does fields in contrast to the fringe of, which is quite precise.

    it's an excellent beginning and that trailing off effect, it's like confidence; says the narrator:

    ok, i've hooked you, that's enough of that thought.

    so yup.

    that would be section one.






    | Posted on 2011-05-23 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, so, yes, yes. I have been perusing this one for a while.

    I agree that it needs some edits, but, to me, it is so vast in what it says that I think it needs you and you alone to work out what those edits are-- what with me getting overly lost in all the ideas, and imagining others having a similar feeling. Though it could just be that it is beyond me, a little, or more than a little. Ho hum.

    Something about the size of each stanza -- maybe there I think some breaking up could do some good, but meh, what does that even have to do with anything?

    So, yes, my opinion there is that it does need work but I, for one, am not writer/person enough to be any help.

    I suck.

    But but but, it is tremendous. It is. You have a knack for lovely, weighty lines which can be read once and understood, in that their tone seeps into the skin; and on a second reading better understood; and then suddenly the mind can comprehend in a less emotion-based way (though of course that lingers) and find reason and words. I do not make sense, I know. But I don't know how to say what I mean (too much coffee, perhaps. Or outright inanity.)

    Something about the sudden, more simple 'Nonna crosses herself...' is wonderful.

    And the high-point (perfectly placed in the middle of the whole thing) is the ravens hanging on air, you hanging in sleep, half-raven. It is so fecking otherwordly, so spiritual while retaining something very human. Lovely lovely lovely.

    Your end, too -- very measured, a perfect peak, how it reaffirms everything you have said while keeping that otherwordly tone. But the frequency of it, yes, human as hell.

    And a mix of dark and light.

    I love the religions we create for ourselves, the modern spirituality which is less ordered but accessible and real in a way most religions don't seem to be, or seem to have lost (to me, at least).

    Anyway, this is clearly just waffle.

    But, if you have any ideas on what needs changing and want input, hit me up, man. I do think that with too much interference from others your ideas could be lost or diluted or changed, you know?

    Birds. Love 'em.
    | Posted on 2011-04-16 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      Ravens are one of my favorite ornithological incarnations also . Add to this the fact I'm very into martial arts and they take on an added mysticism . I love the fact that you dream of becoming a raven . I too have had this dream . This really exposes a nakedness of spirit I relate to . Your third verse reminded me of my poem "Banner" : A blackbird flying through the endless night of dreams observing the window panes of light (stars) . I don't think this sacrilegious for I have often dreamt of spouting feathers and growing wings . The idea of them eating me and bearing me off to heaven kind of gave me a twinge though , after all what goes in eventually comes back out . Then again they say you are what you eat so I guess the analogy could still hold true . Definitely a moving write for me .

    Bruce
    | Posted on 2011-03-24 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, the idea of ravens being our transition from this earth to heaven...reincarnation into the wonderful black birds with such intelligence...when we can finally see what we never saw before...and understand what it means to fly above all of the disarray of earth and our lives.

    i really like the " half-raven shape that is my greatest nakedness_

    what a line!!!!!!!!!!
    sacrilegious? ah maybe in a way...but aren't we part of nature...and didn't nature come first before we?

    and aren't we just another living creature in God's eyes--

    and flying gets us closer..
    "dead consuming the dead" that which keeps the cycle going..

    the first "ravens" no apostrophe...just plural...

    and maybe if the speaker is right.. she won't have to miss the raven...

    this is so interesting and passionate

    and i really like how it goes from a dissertation, in a way, on ravens...to becoming one..to the reaction of Nonna, which so personalizes it...

    nice write, Santi!

    always a pleasure to read you.
    | Posted on 2011-03-23 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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