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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Visiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Krazy
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 346/310/46
    Words: 156
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1136
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1056



    Description:
       It's been a while since I've written anything.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Visiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    I was unaware of my heart's palpitations,
    The beats fell on deafened ears.
    With a mind so engrossed with happiness,
    I brought you to life.
    Every detail lovingly pieced together.
    A master craftsman at work on their trade.
    Time passed as a sloth reaching for fruit;
    Consumed by desire but unable to quicken.
    A vision, a fantasy, a delightful delusion,
    Finished, and it was all mine.
    One step had been taken, getting closer.
    The air in the room suddenly weighted,
    Causing my lungs to stutter and stall.
    With a quirk of perfect lips
    The phantom became tangible.
    In that moment control was lost.
    Pure instinct from then, on.
    A gentle caress sent the air rushing
    Through me in a startled gasp
    And caused my eyes to flutter open.
    Gasp turned to defeated sigh,
    As a familiar scene came into focus.
    White ceiling, sunlight filtering through blinds.
    It was all just a dream,
    I had created you.




    Submitted on 2011-03-25 03:58:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      You wrote something and never even mentioned it! That's pretty naughty of you, Bonneh. Okay, I'm on my itouch but as soon as I can get on my laptop and be able to type more than four words without feeling intense amounts of anger (I really do hate this little keyboard), i'll be coming back to this. Yep.

    | Posted on 2011-03-25 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]
      i've loved in my dreams, created the fantasy...and it all happens in slow motion...

    i like Rain's point about breaking it up....maybe yes.

    the "sloth" line is quite good..

    i think i will go back to sleep now, i don't like the color of my ceiling...the whiteness is like absence of color, absence of love...just a blank space...
    nice touch

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-03-25 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice Bon.

    "Time passes as a sloth reaching for fruit" I like this a lot better than the traditional time stood still phrase.

    Maybe break it into stanzas:

    "I was unaware of my heart's palpitations,
    The beats fell on deafened ears.
    With a mind so engrossed with happiness,
    I brought you to life.

    Every detail lovingly pieced together.
    A master craftsman at work on their trade.
    Time passed as a sloth reaching for fruit;
    Consumed by desire but unable to quicken.
    A vision, a fantasy, a delightful delusion,
    Finished, and it was all mine.

    One step had been taken, getting closer.
    The air in the room suddenly weighted,
    Causing my lungs to stutter and stall.
    With a quirk of perfect lips
    The phantom became tangible.
    In that moment control was lost.
    Pure instinct from then, on.
    A gentle caress sent the air rushing
    Through me in a startled gasp
    And caused my eyes to flutter open.

    Gasp turned to defeated sigh,
    As a familiar scene came into focus.
    White ceiling, sunlight filtering through blinds.
    It was all just a dream,
    I had created you."

    Just a thought

    <3
    | Posted on 2011-03-25 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]


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