Those words and questions if I have been abused from others who knew me, had always stayed secluded in the back of my mind, but yet lately I can't stop thinking about them. Instead of saying it quietly in a room for no one to hear, or as a sympathetic, kind-hearted question, it was always more of a sarcastic, catty type of question, that stroke me like poison does from a deadly snake.
"What did you get abused as a child or something"
and it had always hit my stomach like swallowing bricks, and the heaviness would never subside, it would just sit there for weeks, on an end, and there was no way I could feel any different You ever had that feeling where you wanted to cry, but you couldn't? Or perhaps you wanted to scream in someone's face, but it won't do anything, besides just make you feel more worse in the end? You maybe just wanted to get rid of all that heaviness and pain built up inside of you for so long, and at that moment you wish you could tell them exactly how you felt, but they'll just laugh more, because there no more than a piece of scrap picked up of the side of the street?
Well at least, this is how I felt.
I wanted to tell everyone my life story. But I was in fear, why make others feel of pity for me? Would that make everything okay in the end like I had hoped it would?
I knew it wasn't enough to risk. I mean
What do you say to someone when they know of a traumatic past of yours, without you even ever remotely as to admitting it to them?
You could punch them in the face, which would be answering there question with a "Yes" you have lived life as a child, dealing with abuse, and end up with more guilt and shame, or you could step away slowly and never say nothing to them again, and always wonder what they would of said back. I don't like either of these choices, and it makes my stomach feel even more nauseous writing it then having experiencing it. How can someone be so narrow-minded and self-centered.?
Why is that we live in a world with such cruelty and such heartless people? Why people talk about love like its a precious stone that should be sacred, but then they talk about matchless hate as it's a sin; but they second they come in contact with it, they will rub off onto others they so "care" so much about?
Should it bother me, that people say this? I mean why should people blurt out hings without thinking of them first? Why can't we go back to the 21st century where we had respect, and we knew manners didn't mean knocking up a girl then leaving her, or making fun of her because rape is supposedly now called SEXY? As you are sitting there your probably wondering why I would ramble on about this, and probably assume this won't affect your life at all, but it happens. Maybe it doesn't happen to you, so you think it doesn't affect you. Maybe I'm right, and your life's perfect, and always has been. Maybe you have everything you could of ever asked for. You grew up in a nice home, surrounded by family that loved you and treated you with comfort each and every day. Maybe the most horrible experience in your life was not being able to get away from your family, you were surrounded by too much love. Sounds ridiculous to those who might not experience it, but maybe you felt suffocated. You wanted more then what you had, even when you did have everything right in front of you. We do take things for granted you know, it's in our nature.
People out here though always feel like there not enough, no matter what. Family there, or no family there. People feel like they've lost all control of there body, there feelings, there emotions, and there on the brink of giving up.
People's matchless hate rubs off on us all, and we never do anything about it.
I wish people would look each other in the face before judging each other and really look deep. Not just at there appearance, but what lies beneath it. What maybe would be like walking in there shoes? Maybe they have a different color skin then you do, but so what, the soul has no color.
Look in the face of someone who may be drunk, you can laugh all you want, but maybe they have gotten out of war, and are lost and are re-living it every-day and even though they survived they feel like a part of them died that day. Walk a mile in there shoes. Look at the face of a prostitute maybe they have been beaten, bruised, or bullied, and the only way of surviving is to do what they are doing. Look and see behind these faces maybe they have walked miles in dirt, they are filled with tears, and drowned in hurt. Maybe once you walk a mile, you can give them your shoes. Thinking about when he said "have you been abused"
made me cry, made me hurt. But once again I was asked by another recently, "What were you abused as a child" and this time it was asked sympathetically, and kind-heartily.
I looked at him smiled and said, "The struggles in my life, have made me stronger have yours?" And without hearing the response I walked away and didn't look back.
Maybe he had decided to take a journey in my shoes. =]