[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Wind...dots

    Author: ShiveringFire
    Elite Ratio:    4.9 - 328/84/22
    Words: 42
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 785
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 300


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Finally, the logs crackled
    underneath the flames

    And I heard her coming,
    rolling through emerald hush of corn
    knocking the bolted doors hard
    then blasting them ajar
    and then stopping by you
    to catch her breath.

    Submitted on 2011-03-28 12:13:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      the logs crackled...

    Finally--comma, something happened...
    for me the commas are the pause before the onslaught..

    but putting in different spots could alter the reading...depends what your intent is. or if you want to just leave it open for us to read as we will.

    the second verse...mmm, the comma for me is a bit of a dam...and then there is just the blowing open of the door, the gush, the rush of the wind

    metaphorically...like some kind of feeling that just blows through the house..touches the woman...maybe it's love.

    catching breath before a rush of passion....and she becomes the crackling fire.

    this is breathless!
    | Posted on 2011-04-18 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      This work of Art is so short yet FULL of meaning and imagery! As I read it, I felt like I was flowing with the wind on its journey... I love it!
    | Posted on 2011-03-29 00:00:00 | by ShadowsnLights | [ Reply to This ]
    I enjoyed this, how it personifies the wind, but not in obvious ways. It's a good approach, this idea of wind as a woman running through the fields & into the house, stopping just short of knocking someone over because she's run out of air.

    There are some punctuation issues, I think.

    "Finally, the logs crackled
    underneath the flames"

    Maybe a period after "flames"?

    "And I heard her coming,
    rolling through emerald hush of corn
    knocking the bolted doors hard"

    commas after "corn" and "hard"

    "then blasting them ajar"

    Comma after ajar. I would consider taking this "then" out, as you use it again in the next line, then it reads too much like a play-by-play.

    "and then stopping by you
    to catch her breath."

    Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, you could do away with all punctuation altogether. Which might be easier, rather than having a bunch of commas. Your line breaks are direct & complete enough to provide the pauses.

    thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. Like I said, enjoyed. It's a good rush. :)
    | Posted on 2011-03-28 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]