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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: :::to hear the end of it:::dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Syn
    Elite Ratio:    4.71 - 115/136/83
    Words: 205
    Class/Type: Prose/Longing
    Total Views: 983
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1276



    Description:
        free-flowing thought. haven't done this in awhile. hope it doesn't suck. thanks, bitches. <3


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots:::to hear the end of it:::dots
    -------------------------------------------


    hot air only perpetuates the system-that-is-writing i almost wish i was crying but my mind disallows the screaming-and-dying that wants to go on and i'm sick-and-empty inside, like everyone else except not enough to spout brilliance direct-and-succinct off the cuff, i keep waiting with patience for something to rape (us), a situation most dire, run along, catch-some-breath-or-perspire, it goes on and on and i can't find an end, so willing to default to my land-of-pretend but it seems too far gone and i can't even mention my thoughts so mundane one could call it pretension these neurons, they meet-and-fire, expire-and-retreat, floating by outside, out-of-reach, out-of-touch, there go my ideas, the scraps that are left form fabricate-able pleas, treble-clefs-and-damaged-psyches held in false repose of what they used to be whilst holding on to a mold long expended, these rhymes are distended and i've forced myself to be distant from these words but these keys sound insistently ringing in my brain until i can't breathe through the thick air that is curling forward only to swirl right back, hate this trailing, this failing and staying off-track but it aches to think and it scathes to see, so i wonder if myself will ever return to me...




    Submitted on 2011-03-31 03:26:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The lack of stanza formation reflects free-flowing thought quite well; it's natural.

    "...these neurons, they meet and fire, expire and retreat, floating by outside, out of reach" Your use of [unique] imagery really captures the reader's attention -- they can feel the intensity!

    We can get into your head without it being overbearing -- that's a good thing. :)

    The rhyming is clever and it never feels out of place to me. It's poetic prose with a hint of Freudian influence. By Freudian I mean the "stream of consciousness." Despite the negative nature of the poem, there is a positive aspect to it. You spill out your inner thoughts to an outer world and there is freedom in such a thing. It's a cleansing of sorts, not someone making a long list of complaints.

    This poem really makes me think. Your mind thinks in a very interesting manner and you have a unique/genuine voice. I like it! :)
    | Posted on 2011-05-16 00:00:00 | by Poehemian | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it's differential appeal with that lyrical whiplash I get from it.

    You are lost, experiencing a suffocation with thinking that is not the norm, I get that.

    i've forced myself to be distant from these words

    That part makes me think about how I write and do so much material that I can't memorize every single song or piece because of an enormous body of work so I get distant from some things that I have created, I slightly do not know if thats what you were thinking of.

    these neurons, they meet and fire

    A mental clash fueled by the deep thoughts hmmmm.Are you restless?
    Something tells me your brain does not turn off and that kind of bothers you, like only if you could just have a fresh minute or period to clean up all the mess up there.

    expire and retreat, floating by outside, out of reach, out of touch, there go my ideas

    The ending of thoughts or good expanded estimates you wanted to hold but they have left with a traveling speed that it's nerve wrecking when you realize it.
    There go the ideas out the window that I was counting on.

    treble clefs and damaged psyches held in false repose of what they used to be whilst holding on to a mold long expended

    Music, decisions, results of loss.
    I think that part has a loud roar with those three aspects.

    But it refers to a damaged intellect or brain power principle, like something is not there anymore that was strongly active.

    What is cool and very accurate about this is that you could be going through all of this and still put this together.

    I believe that means you can still pull off writing good when you are down at a bad state, even with thinking.It's near impressive in my opinion on another writer.

    The last closing lines are much honest and give the reader another inside look on the part of the brain that wants success but also wants to break away from what is keeping them from getting there one way or the other.

    hate this trailing, this failing and staying off-track

    Some of us just want to get back to the good [censored] and let it be that way.

    I don't find nothing wrong about it's form or wordplay, nothing like that.
    I think it's a personal matter you have to keep writing in this way to solve.
    First impression commentary would be short because you have to read through this more than once to have it whole.

    I would say you were picking at your brain in a good, wondering, critical thinking poetic type of passing.

    Problematically unique.

    An intense person was behind this writing, you can tell so easily.

    Let's me know we can't always have the answers to everything, sometimes the things that are going on with ourselves.

    Rexsan
    | Posted on 2011-03-31 00:00:00 | by Rex Gold | [ Reply to This ]


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