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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Black hole capillarydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TalentedChild
    ASL Info:    17
    Elite Ratio:    1.85 - 19/81/106
    Words: 305
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 472
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1760



    Description:
       being submitted in a book called "From a window" edits would be appreciated


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlack hole capillarydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Look into my crestfallen eyes and you will see,

    the different side there is to me.



    Secrets that I've hidden so long that I sometimes forget,

    all the lies he told me, and all of this regret.


    Look into my soul and you will feel the wounds in my heart

    and the bruises that were once real.


    Even though it's not visible you can still see the endurable pain,

    for it is left inside of me, and things might never be the same.


    Look into my eyes for you can you see,

    the girl that is crying shamelessly.


    Look into the recesses of my heart for there is an abyss of a hole;

    Reach inside, can you hear my soul?


    He used to tell me I'm beautiful but I didn't realize the lie,

    I wish I didn't stick around the hurt, surrounded, I wish I just said goodbye.

    Listen to the story for he hit me, shoved me more then I could take, I didn’t realize I was just another face for one set of hands to suffocate.


    When you look into my soul, beneath my eyes, and behind the tears,
    can you read that past, breathe the years, can you feel that pain?

    Even though the hurt might never heal, outside I'm really just the same.

    Even though sometimes I wish I didn't have to hide the truth, or tell everyone a lie, I want to be a girl,
    that can go on living without having to cry.


    But I promised myself, I'd fight forever,

    because I am a survivor, and a survivor till I die.




    Submitted on 2011-03-31 15:30:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hello, I am Maggie to most on here. I have not reviewed poetry in a while, and you are the first lucky person I get to review today. I apologize in advance if you think that I am too harsh or completely off my rocker. I try to be encouraging as well as honest if possible. You are free to accept or reject my review. Here goes:

    The title is what caught my attention. It was edgy, new, and completely beyond the norm for titles.

    "When you look into my soul, beneath my eyes, and behind the tears,
    can you read that past, breathe the years, can you feel that pain?"

    Those were your best lines. The concept of breathing the years, gave the poem a textual, realistic feel, and captured that "walk in my shoes" motif you were aiming for.

    However, I do see potential for this poem to be elevated, and lifted from the "journalistic" feel this poem has. I think if you use less of the "Look", "I", and "Even", it would give your poem a more dramatic feel. I also encourage you to try more imagery...allusions, metaphors, and less direct sentiments of the sadness.

    Overall, you do have talent. The poem as it stands now does not express the full range of talent I think you have. My suggestion: Rewrite, use less telling, and use more of the showing/imagery aspect of writing.

    Sincerely,
    Maggie
    | Posted on 2011-04-01 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]


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