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    dots Submission Name: of midnight romancedots

    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    3.95 - 139/254/170
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1263
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 672


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    dotsof midnight romancedots

    And now the yards of gothic churches
    with surging redness of the eye-
    its salty tinge inside the brackets-
    are finger-sculpting our sky

    into the flutter of the cypress
    across my elbows in the sand
    as if the universe were silenced
    by someone else's pleading hand

    until the somnolence has traded
    my lash with yours, and lid with lid,
    and self itself is carefully folded
    into the corners of your lips -

    before retreating to the alleys
    and pledging last of last to dawn;
    before the blaze of day would claim me
    so irreversibly its own.

    Submitted on 2011-04-02 17:31:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
    'finger-sculpting our sky"

    I really like that line & the image it comes with. There's a great deal of urgency in this & with the rhyme it really sets the pace, like heavy breathing, it's plea of sorts. & I like how you described the place. I can imagine where this is taking place, & it appeals to me muchly.

    The actual intent of the piece isn't very direct, & I like that too. It allows us readers to take it where we want to, & come to our own conclusions. Vampiric, or otherwise. :)

    The punctuation is a bit dodgy, so I would suggest taking another look at that. "somnolence" is also seemed to be too big of a word for the poem & line there, halted the rhythm for me.
    | Posted on 2011-04-02 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      i get a vampirish feeling from this...

    very romantic in the gothic sense...
    some great imagery especially in the third stanza...

    the first stanza tripped me a little with disagreement of number...should it be "their salty tinge"?
    to match the "gothic churches" ?

    just a thought..

    but a darkly romantic mood set here...as if day will ruin the moment...

    nighttime is the righttime.

    | Posted on 2011-04-02 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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