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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: a month of longing [23 days to go]dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Someones Epiphany
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 4454/2106/161
    Words: 106
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 642
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 848



    Description:
       aparently its national write a poem a day month this month so im gonna try...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsa month of longing [23 days to go]dots
    -------------------------------------------


    23 days.
    but who's counting?
    though since we're talking numbers
    and longing
    here's a couple:

    one] there is nothing
    incomplete
    about this longing-
    even my little toe
    misses you;
    accidental footsy in tangled
    morning sheets

    two] there are too many
    moments
    left unreclaimed
    by this forced exile...
    tuesday date nights that will never be
    caught up on; nights trying
    to stay awake til u
    return, exhausted,
    from basketball; freezing
    cold showers and night
    after night without lights/power;
    movies and popcorn and
    accidental kisses...


    none of these can be caught
    up on
    but in 23 days we can
    give it a try.




    Submitted on 2011-04-03 04:45:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey lovely :)

    I'm liking how understated this one reads, but it has such gorgeous detail.

    I'm thinking mostly, like Jacob, the little toe part -- and that line, there is nothing incomplete about this longing, is fecking stunning -- so melodic, and direct, and startling -- it's almost a double-negative, or is in fact completely a double negative? Bleh, either way it's lovely lovely lovely.

    The concept of these numbers, too. I almost wish you'd taken it to a three (but three is my lucky number, yup) -- I like how you address us directly when you say you're gonna give us a couple (that sounds almost rude when taken out of context, ha) -- it's cool, it feels more interactive, like a conversation you're having with us.

    Accidental footsy and accidental kisses are also just such pretty thoughts, they are.

    I agree that the u takes away a little something, though I guess that's a personal preference thing; and the way you've only used it once makes me think it means something to you, or to Zelalem, or both? So I don't know.

    I also want it to read lights or power -- but I guess, again, that's a personal preference thing.

    The rhythm of that line (night after night without lights/power) is too good, too, you know?

    Anyway...
    | Posted on 2011-04-04 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      oh i like this...not the "u" though...takes away from the overall romantic feeling of the poem...

    text language....mmm

    but otherwise..."even my little toe misses you"

    even the smallest part of me...increments of me missing you..

    and the date nights we will never really catch up on...but we can try...and how fun that will be.
    and "accidental kisses"

    i really like that phrase muchly..

    spontaneous love showing up in even the most mundane of activities..that is real love.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-03 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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