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    dots Submission Name: Driftwood Firedots

    Author: ShiveringFire
    Elite Ratio:    4.9 - 328/84/22
    Words: 131
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1335
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 873

        a bit medieval...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDriftwood Firedots

    Driftwood Fire

    Its tender, warm opaline glow---
    Rises up as an iridescent helix
    Combing the darkness gently.


    When I first met him
    He was pulling an arrow
    Out of the snakes mouth.

    And tonight we are standing waist deep
    In the shallow rivulet, embracing each other
    And I press my cheek on his chest and ask
    Where are we going, dear, where are we going
    I dont know, he whispers, but my darling
    We are two pieces of driftwood,
    Seldom destined to meet,
    Let me treasure this moment forever
    Because such moments never repeat.

    I saw Roses leaping over the fences
    When in grey waters, we lit our fire
    And I heard moths beating their wings
    I felt the old snow hills perspire.....

    Submitted on 2011-04-10 10:49:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      The juxtaposition between the descriptive first part and the plain speech part about the arrow is just divine.

    I love what a little simple can do for a story.

    I so almost want it to end with Where are we going, dear, where are we going

    but the part about the roses and perspiring is also wonderful; and I guess that's where words can take you sometimes.

    The lack of a question mark, too, really adds some unnamable thing to this. I don't know what I mean, but the effect is lovely.

    I have some formatting/placement thoughts re this -- I won't bother you with them, really, but maybe just say that spacing can do a lot to balance a piece, and when the tone switches up a little, like here, it can add [something] which makes that both clearer and less obvious.

    Does that make sense? Sorta so the reader is less aware of it, but the unconscious works it out and so it makes its mark.

    Or something.

    I also (you can slap me) want that 'treasure it forever' part changed for something less commonplace.

    There is something outright strange about what precedes and follows, and that part is a crack, for me, something which opens this up too much, and what you have is simply gorgeous, you know?

    Anyway, enough waffle from me.

    Loved it.
    | Posted on 2011-04-19 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with Ron. Very well written indeed, and the balance of romanticism and passion, really adds to the appeal of the write.....I am impressed.

    | Posted on 2011-04-14 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      Its tender, warm opaline glow---
    Rises up as an iridescent helix
    Combing the darkness gently.

    Poetic translation:

    A soft rainbow of attraction,
    lustrous rainbow radiance
    Spiraling, shimmering
    cleansing shaded black
    layers lightly.

    Or something like that.I like the visual of feelings having universal color combination, flashing upward out into the night sky, blackness is erased by spreading rainbows.

    Two driftwoods lie on the shore, maturing after being just twigs and imperfect branches finally grew and luck isn't far from being a reason both or together.And then I thought of Beowulf.Never mind that hehe.It just came to mind since you said medieval.

    Knowing full well of what is rare, it came like a thief in the night with no plan to steal anything but took it's course.
    The seldom rareness of linkage I mean.
    I'm rusty...

    The center of the poems last three lines are engrossing or nice in baby terms.

    I saw Roses leaping over the fences
    When in grey waters, we lit our fire

    That is dope lol.I can highlight that.
    The reflection of a flame off of the rippling cinereal water is a beautiful picture were I can't see details, just shadows of two souls, with water up to the waist area or knee length.A flame ignited by spirits.


    | Posted on 2011-04-11 00:00:00 | by Rex Gold | [ Reply to This ]
      Very romantic. You have written this with passion and zeal, and have a developing talent as a writer that is very good! I love the title "Driftwood Fire", particularly the way it suits the message in the poem.
    | Posted on 2011-04-10 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      can't say too much more than this is "a beautifully romantic piece"

    i was longing for something at the end to come back to the snake..though...

    but this poem has "heat"!

    why not on the board? it needs reads!

    | Posted on 2011-04-10 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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