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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Night Beckonsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Soulraven
    ASL Info:    31/Male/Illinois
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 510/481/142
    Words: 99
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 957
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 620



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNight Beckonsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The light flickering out slowly off the night
    Darkness overlapping replacing wrong to right.
    Blanket covered in stars in the bed room of the moon
    Resting there while the sun conquers the noon.
    I lay my head down sleeping during the day
    Closing my eyes dreaming of the sun falling in disarray.
    Hibernating while light from dark is turning
    And the daylight sun is burning.
    I abhor the light and the way it reflects
    The way it shimmers when Iím upset.
    No matter what hosting a smile wide
    Now, dayís gone finally under the moon I can hide.




    Submitted on 2004-02-14 14:31:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "The light flickering out slowly off the night"

    How about:

    "The light flickering out, slowly in the night"
    Or "The light flickering out in the crawling night"

    Just for suggestions on the first sight that the first line has a wrinkle that just stands out as of being uneven or off in the slightest little way.
    Although I don't think it really stood out more than the entire rest of the piece.
    It's like the first intentional ink stain that you see there but it just caught my attention more than bothering me at all.

    You never fail to deliver with interesting well put together lines, such as

    Blanket covered in stars in the bed room of the moon,

    I abhor the light and the way it reflects
    The way it shimmers when Iím upset.

    No matter what hosting a smile wide
    Now, dayís gone finally under the moon I can hide.

    Those lines stand out more based on them being right at the end and to be exactly direct, to me rather.

    I was also kinda expecting a silhouette dealing with the moon and sun concept but not to worry I wasn't disappointed by not getting something I find to be silent but beautiful imagery.

    These 12 to 14 line formulas you use make me know that I'm in for a small little treat and when it's beyond decent.
    The Harry Potter effect I would say with good poetry.
    "Like ooh I caught and witnessed the unraveling of a golden snitch."
    Which translates "I just read something really cool."

    I take pleasure in giving constructed feedback, your work surely demands it in my opinion.

    RG


    | Posted on 2011-01-26 00:00:00 | by Rex Gold | [ Reply to This ]
      it has nice imagery in it... i don't know but it seems that there's something wrong with the first line... maybe the way you constructed the sentence.. '...slowly off the night' ... maybe it's just me... but anyways, all in all, it was good
    | Posted on 2004-02-14 00:00:00 | by MzJae | [ Reply to This ]
      very nice comparision!! this one gives really good imagery.. i can see that blanket coverd in stars. images still flow through out my mind even when im done reading.. one thing is that there might be a few places where a coma, for pausing, could have been used... but it didn't effect it too much!! nice write!
    | Posted on 2004-02-14 00:00:00 | by drkpoet | [ Reply to This ]


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