I opened my eyes and set my sights on a beautiful world,
but soon I realized at a young age that darkness existed.
I learned what pain was, I learned from the hunger
gnawing at my ribs. I learned from the lust in their eyes.
I learned from the feel of their hard fists and old beds
of which I slept. I learned from the bugs
that inhabited my hair, I learned from the loneliness.
Up you the age of five a learned to survive
I was saved, but not by a valet knight but family.
As we all know life is not full of fairy tale endings though.
I soon learned abandonment; I learned that one
who is supposed to love can have a firm fist.
I learned how to survive on small to no food or water.
I learned kids can be cruel
even when your life is not in your control.
I learned how to steal from those I love
so I could survive another day.
I lay in my own feces to sleep or was not allowed to rest at all.
I was made promises that were never kept,
from the ages of six till eleven I learned not to trust.
And then I moved into a home that was warm and welcoming,
but I was already too far gone. I fell into my own darkness,
recreating all the nightmares of which I had lived through,
and had a strong thirst for pain, of which I soon began to inflict on myself with a blade.
From age’s eleven till fifth teen I learned that even in a room full of people I love I was alone.
I tried to fix myself and my life changed again,
I kept to myself learning lessons I had already been taught…
but then I became sixteen and the lessons started again.
I then entered a world of “puppies, and fairy tales”
needless to say I fell in love. This is where I learned the greatest lesson of all,
I learned not to love. I learned that in the end loneliness is my only friend.
I learned to love with every piece of myself and afterwards found out I was stupid.
Now I sit here today on my twentieth birthday looking back on everything I’ve learned. I realize that I am numb.