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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the nearness of youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Someones Epiphany
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 4454/2106/161
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 814
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 519



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe nearness of youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    i hang up the phone
    and snuggle down
    in the single bed
    i currently occupy
    at my mothers house

    closing my eyes
    i wander through
    our conversation
    i love you i miss you
    i cant wait to be with you
    and i remember something
    i should have told you

    sleepily i roll over
    to murmur one last
    i love you
    before sleep
    only to find myself
    talking to walls
    despite the nearness
    of you




    Submitted on 2011-04-13 15:47:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      WOW.
    This was very good. I like the last stanza a lot. :) You are a very good writer.
    | Posted on 2012-10-22 00:00:00 | by She Is Insane | [ Reply to This ]
      Miss you Jd...

    Sometimes I have trouble commenting on your work. It seems to speak for itself- this does. I like the reality of dreams it speaks to, very real. very succinct tight write.

    I like the lack of punctuation. I don't have a reason, just do, the line breaks punctuate for you and that works for me
    | Posted on 2012-05-05 00:00:00 | by leftof_red | [ Reply to This ]
      You poetry is like Twitter ought to be! Long or short, the verse shows moments in a life. Very vividly. I like your verse-form and style of language (quite direct) so much that I want to talk about it, but that would be no use because you know exactly what you are doing anyway!
    | Posted on 2012-02-03 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      i find this piece so lovely and a sad. lovely b/c of the passion and the longing- sad b/c there is distance. but under it all i sense hope. for love conquers all. you will have the nearness and oneness you desire. you will fight and travel. sacrifice and dream.

    overall, i really love this write. God bless you.

    -JP
    | Posted on 2012-01-05 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      soon you will no longer be talking to walls. soon you will not worry about the things that you forgot to say, once you have said your goodnights. soon! that is a wonderful word. good luck to you both and may soon come very quickly for you. j
    | Posted on 2011-11-11 00:00:00 | by Alter idem | [ Reply to This ]
      Aw, this is lovely: far away, so close. I sadly know that feeling too well. I suppose I should say SOMETHING constructive.


    i hang up the phone
    and snuggle down
    in the single bed
    i currently occupy
    at my mothers house

    closing my eyes
    i wander through
    our conversation
    i love you i miss you
    i cant wait to be with you
    and i remember something
    i should have told you


    You missed the apostrophe in mother's, and perhaps there are too many I's in this. For instance, you could say: "I love you and miss you/can't wait to be with you" (eliminating at least one I).

    Hugs,
    Amy
    | Posted on 2011-08-09 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this. It's so honest and down to earth. Keep on writing!!!
    | Posted on 2011-07-30 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi JD. Missed you a couple of months. U still here with us?
    U said u returned to your former home and that was the last I read.
    Well not your fault I missed u.
    Let know how u are. luv Joachim
    | Posted on 2011-07-20 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]
      yes, those long distance relationships can be so tough...

    i was in a couple of them..one was for two years with a girl who lived in poland and was an exchange student here at southern.

    we got together and then she went back home...6 months later she came back for 6 weeks...but then the next separation did us in...and i mean we were so in love..most romantic relationship i ever was in...when we were apart the letters were every day almost...on both sides...and the last time we were together, we made love then i took her to the airport..not knowing that was the last i would see her...

    just a tough thing...although...you two seem to be holding it together...must be a great love...

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-07-17 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece is at once simple and complex....The simplicity of the imagery as the poem starts out is nicely contrasted with the unexpectedness of how the piece ends.

    A lot like love...simple yet complex too.....

    Good write!
    | Posted on 2011-07-16 00:00:00 | by rubie | [ Reply to This ]
      if only i had remembered to tell you when you were here...

    the walls are sad that i neglected to say it then...

    it's a pretty straightforward love poem...but there is emotion...

    and as saartha said..the change in the last four lines works well..

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-13 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is one of the better NaPoWriMo poems you've posted this month. I'm not too big on romance, so it's been difficult for me to appreciate your theme, but this one is nice.

    The middle stanza can be pretty much taken out in its entirety, though, except maybe the last two lines of that stanza.

    It's the very last four lines that make the poem. The contrast there is lovely!
    | Posted on 2011-04-13 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]


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