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    dots Submission Name: Working on a title...?dots

    Author: EshyFishy
    ASL Info:    21yo mess having crises
    Elite Ratio:    6.92 - 126/123/57
    Words: 226
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Longing
    Total Views: 915
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1407

       LYRICS. !

    This is really bad, I know... but I would love some help/improvements/death threats/money/love/hate/chocolate/music/guitars.
    Still needs >9000 work, but yeah.
    It's meant to indie/Conor Oberst style, but yeah

    OH BY THE WAY. So sorry I haven't been commenting lately, school had consumed my life, so looking forward to these holidays!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWorking on a title...?dots

    And there's a moment I wish I could change
    And I know it might sound a little strange
    But if it means getting back to you
    It's a plan I will follow through

    It may seem like a crazy little plan
    But there's a time I want to live again
    And if it means seeing you
    Then maybe we can start, start brand new

    And I know I shouldn't rely
    On old memories to keep me awake
    But oh boy, that time did fly
    Much too fast for an old mistake

    The night is too quiet now
    The silence in my head's too loud
    Bright street lights help me reminisce
    And remind me of our first kiss

    {It starts getting terrible here}

    Under the quiet moon
    Or alone in my small room
    Everything you meant to me
    It's obviously history

    And I know you don't care no more
    You let the whole world see
    Your apathy shakes me to the core
    But I won't let you see... me (cry)

    [Working on this bit - not sure what goes here]

    {Hopefully an improvement here}

    And I know that you won't stay the same
    Even though I do
    And God knows that pictures never change
    So I'll keep the person you were inside that old black frame.

    Submitted on 2011-04-13 23:39:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Two quick things before I really sink my teeth into this.

    It is not bad, like you say in your description. It's quite lovely, actually.

    And an instant nit (it's minor, I'm an asspain) -- your first two lines, the And.../And.... I'm thinking have a play so you only have one 'and'? Having it at the beginning of the piece creates immediacy, a sense that we've walked in on you half-way through something and we need to be quiet and sit down, fast, so we can hear the rest.

    I dig that.

    So maybe that second 'and'?

    Another quick nit (you can send me a virtual slap) -- the repetition of plan, between your last line, first stanza, and first line, second stanza. For some reason I really notice it.

    I like how, in your first stanza, you say there's a moment you wish you could change but don't go on to immediately describe it. It adds interest, makes the opening compelling. In media res -- that's what they call it, right? So you're starting in the middle of the thing, with that 'and' and with not being too explicit, and it's a good technique.

    I also want to hug you for using the word 'strange'. Do you know that Aqualung song, Strange and Beautiful? Probably, I'm thinking. Man I love that song.

    My thoughts about the first four parts is that, while they get the job done, they don't do much more than that. At points they border on generic, at other points (such as the street lamps helping you reminisce/of your first kiss) they are quite sublime. I mean, street lights could be boring, but them reminding you of a kiss is not. It's an excellent idea, and it's unexpected.

    You know, I've never written a single thing that follows a form, or has to rhyme, so I have no idea how hard it must be, though I think I can imagine.

    Things I love about that first part: you beginning with 'and', 'strange', 'crazy', this plan not being disclosed, 'start/start...' (how that jolts some), relying on old memories to keep you awake (stunning) -- these parts which feel out of the ordinary and careful, measured, even. How they surprise.

    The next part -- 'Under the quiet moon' -- that doesn't strike me as terrible. It's evocative, and it provides both a visual and a sound (or lack of). Makes me think hush. Yup.

    'Your apathy shakes me to the core' -- I love this. Using apathy in a song is great, makes it stand apart from the nonsense that seems to be on the radio these days; and I also think that 'shakes me to the core' is fine. For some reason, clichés are ok in songs, more so than in poetry.

    The balance between 'You let the whole world see...But I won't let you see...me' -- is excellent work. That first 'see' provides a springboard for your twist on that thought to bounce right off. It keeps it interesting. More than interesting (and sometimes I am more than dry, meh).

    The final part is the highpoint, for me. I think because the old black frame is compelling. It's different to the images you find in most songs -- and as a poet-writer as well as a song-writer, I think that's probably where your strengths lie. In being unexpected.

    So I think that this is a great start, but it needs more lines with that unexpected, you know? Images which surprise, ideas or concepts which are fresh, or made fresh by a twist, like what you did with that 'see me' part.

    And here's a song which I like, because the lyrics are more than cool. Like poetry, but song. I dig that. I do.

    | Posted on 2011-04-17 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the last bit...

    "And I know that you won't stay the same
    Even though I do
    And God knows that pictures never change
    So I'll keep the person you were inside that old black frame."

    Its all too true! Not much help but hey, at least you know I read it ;)
    | Posted on 2011-04-14 00:00:00 | by Specdro | [ Reply to This ]
      have to think about this one for a bit more...

    it's pretty straightforward....but for the type of poem it is...it has a nice ring to it...

    i have a suggestion for the title...

    "this isn't the Portrait of Dorian Gray"

    was a story in which the man didn't age, but his portrait did...your last verse reminded me of it in some way...although a slight variation.

    maybe in stanza 6

    "you let the whole world know why"
    "but i won't let you see me cry"

    just thoughts...i really hate suggesting lines or changes..it is your poem...but just some ideas to play with.
    | Posted on 2011-04-14 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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