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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Self Trialeddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: stefhy
    ASL Info:    21/f/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 165/83/37
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 409
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 740



    Description:
       Looking for some creative input. I love some lines, and hate others; but it's a subject I think we can all relate to, metaphorically of course - so feel free to add a piece of yourself.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSelf Trialeddots
    -------------------------------------------


    A liquid sheet, would coat my skin
    As I shed my jacket, worn and thin
    Dragging footsteps on the ground,
    Toughened souls now easily found.
    Walk on coals to find they're chilled,
    What is now destructed, was once a hill.
    And there amongst all burnt out ashes,
    I lost my eyes and all their lashes.

    Creeping somewhere: a shadow and heart,
    They gave up on me and my falling apart.
    So down this road, my time will tick
    But given time, and time won't stick.
    It'll leave me floating on shallow breeze,
    Inside my bones is the winter freeze;
    Because I'm walking in a cloak of rain,
    The only friend I hold onto is pain.




    Submitted on 2011-04-17 12:11:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Stefy, I have a couple of suggestions which would improve the meter of this;

    "I lost my eyes and then their lashes"

    last line

    "The only friend I keep is pain"

    I have a suggestion for a different title; it is "Tribulation".

    This is an intriguing poem....
    | Posted on 2011-05-30 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      yay! *just to let you know I was here* I'll let this sink in and comment when I'm soaked
    | Posted on 2011-04-18 00:00:00 | by coloredstone | [ Reply to This ]
      lots of nice metaphors in this...but i would bring back the jacket and the fire/burnt idea in the second stanza...

    almost find a strong connection between the two...but not quite...

    it is like certain ideas just tail off and don't come back around...


    but that is just me...i always feel several metaphors are nice...but without connection they lose something...
    still i like so much of this piece...especially, especially, especially...

    "i lost my eyes and all their lashes"


    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-17 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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