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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Autopsy of a Life Once Liveddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lebeauvide
    ASL Info:    24/F
    Elite Ratio:    2.29 - 75/295/165
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 698
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 770



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAutopsy of a Life Once Liveddots
    -------------------------------------------


    You rip open my life with your Y-incision
    Pull out the seams to have a look inside
    Have you found any of my missing pieces?
    Taking autopsy photos of my dreams

    There's nothing left in me worth taking
    You've claimed this territory as your own
    Stripped of all my resources and will
    I'm powerless to do anything but what you say

    I'm just a body to you, an object
    I'm just an empty vessel to be used
    You've chewed the outside away
    And nothing is left but the core, the corpse

    You were everything I ever wanted
    I loved you more than ever loved myself
    Formaldehyde tears in a silver vase
    I hope that you are satisfied.




    Submitted on 2011-04-17 22:34:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      While I like a lot of the metaphor and comparison ideas in your first two stanzas, and the flow was really working for me, then the next two, not so much. I think I can explain.

    While I think you intended the impact to be there starting in stanza three to bring the reader's attention to this other person and what they think or do to the writer, I find it very blunt and unquestioning. When poetry doesn't make me think, I get bored. I think there may have been a better way to rephrase things in a less harsher context while still conveying the speaker's emotions in the last bit.

    When you put such an awesome expression like formaldehyde tears in a silver vase and follow it up with "I hope you're satisfied," a phrase long overdue to be kicked out of angsty, drama-ridden teenage romance (or something almost as spiteful) the meaning becomes less about the suffering of the speaker and more about how the speaker whines about this other person in a juvenile way making the pain less serious. I think drawing more focus to the speaker would help in turn bring focus on the emotions portrayed by the speaker as well.
    | Posted on 2011-04-21 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ]
      it's disappointing that this really good piece is going to be off the board so quickly---wish there was a way to knock it back up to the top.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-18 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      CSI---

    you basically murdered the real me...and now look what you have?

    me...but only a representation..a zombie...
    i am under your control but you will never really have me again...
    i gave you me...and you killed my heart and soul..

    the autopsy metaphor is so well done and so complete in this...you keep it strong...

    clever but gut wrenching, we feel the speaker just totally go robotic and become a shell of what she once was...

    excellent --"formaldehyde tears in silver vase" like the silver bowls parts of bodies are put into..
    most of mine are missing...

    and my heart is one....

    really really like this.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-17 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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