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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Do you feel it?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AshleyRox1
    ASL Info:    18/f/Pierce, NE, YUCK
    Elite Ratio:    1.49 - 5/36/26
    Words: 114
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 576
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 631



    Description:
       Broken hearted and left to die


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDo you feel it?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Do you feel my pain?
    No you don't because you don't care.
    Do you love me?
    No you don't because you wouldn't of left me here to bleed and cry myself to sleep.
    Did you ever think about why you did it?
    No because you don't think at all.
    I have given up, I just wanna bleed my heart out for you because that's all you seem to want from me.
    If I died would you come to my funeral? Maybe but I doubt it because you just wanted to play pretend.
    Sp lets play pretend and so where it takes us...but guess what you did that already and you left me to die.




    Submitted on 2011-04-18 14:49:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i think with some playing, rephrasing and work...the last four lines by themselves could make a really intense short poem...with lots of power...there is angst here...and it is expressed...but often we can take from a bigger piece that maybe lacks a bit of punch and is overwritten or too straightforward, pick out some lines and play with them...and end up with something quite extravagant...and titillating...

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-19 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I can pretty much tell this was written during the high of the emotion.

    I don't really get the title though.Is it towards the reader or the heart breaker with no compassion for you?

    I'm surprised the commentary request wasn't sympathies or someone to relate.
    At least you wrote how you felt, can never go wrong there...

    For the impression, it's something I would have hidden, not put on the charts and with that being done it's confusing readers.
    I'm with Dolor on that last paragraph put down.
    But CS has a point as well.
    | Posted on 2011-04-19 00:00:00 | by Rex Gold | [ Reply to This ]
      After I read this I tend to side with saartha with the issues he/she's presented. Normally, I skip over titles with such obvious melodrama and when I read the description it pretty much told me to stop there but I pressed on and read it. However despite that I received what I feared: a spiraling and fogged attempt to create art out of a bad situation in life. I feel the ideas expressed in this poem (if you can call it that) are forcefully answered in angst and not given enough thought or explanation. Express this "pain," elaborate the details and bring more patience to your work so that your reader can follow you.

    I've read this over three times now, and I don't even know what your problem is. What pain do you feel? What did this person do to you? Focus in on the issue you want to bring to the table and remove some of the excess bleeding-heart lines that just muddle the meaning which is what the poem is mostly composed of.
    | Posted on 2011-04-18 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ]
      Love.

    I'm sure people have already said this to you, but if someone makes you feel this way, they're not worth giving your love to. Move on. Come on, you can do it.

    Forget about love. Life is full of so many other important things and worries and people. Like parents and finding food and keeping a roof above your head. Got those? You're luckier than a whole lotta people out there.

    I want to see a new poem from you about how much you love the sun and sky and how you've moved on from a tough time in life.

    ~C.S.
    | Posted on 2011-04-18 00:00:00 | by coloredstone | [ Reply to This ]
      Let me be blunt: this is over-dramatic and ineffectual. There is no imagery, no interesting turns of phrase, no real voice. It sounds like an average teenager trying to express the pain of a breakup, which isn't a particularly original concept--but it could still be a good read, if it had anything to support it.

    Why did you write this poem? Was it with the intention of creating something good, or just as a catharsis?

    | Posted on 2011-04-18 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    190489

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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