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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sparrowdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 131
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 506
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 798



    Description:
       ok...i know ive been away for a while, and an explanation is forth coming, but i hope that this will suffice for now.

    i havent written anything in a long while, but felt i really needed to get this out of me. its a first draft and raw. i would love ur thoughts/eye for typos etc. thanx

    ps. the end is most raw and i will be changing it somewhat. but again, this is post to get me back in...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSparrowdots
    -------------------------------------------



    last night i saw a bird peering at me through the icy pines-
    a tiny gargoyle perched on the precipice of twilight,
    poised to commandeer the chariots of the cherubim
    and cascade across the face of the stars.

    it reminded me of that evening i held you as a sparrow-

    of how you seemed to fit in the palm of my hand,
    much like the universe balled and blue in the hand of God
    laid still as a stone when dawn bellowed it's first breath.

    beneath my torn wing you nested and
    in your face i dreamed.

    i pressed you to my lips
    and
    held you there,

    like a honeysuckle pressed against the roof of my mouth--





    Submitted on 2011-04-27 00:28:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Of all people, I believe only you would see the sparrow as a gargoyle because only you would see nature as a cathedral (something like Notre Dame, but billowy and green). I have to agree that 'bald' is a bit over the top and the poem works better without it. I also think that 'lied' in line 8 is a poor substitute for recline (if that is what you meant) and could be omitted as well.

    Your first eight lines are your strongest. After that, the poem seems to dwindle away. I understand why you would choose minimalism in the last section to create a space between thought/emotion/breath, but it seems almost too minimal.

    Just my thoughts on your work, JP.
    | Posted on 2011-05-06 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      
    There are some absolutely fantastic lines in this JP &, as always seems to be my critique, some of the flourishes are crowding them. Mostly in your first stanza. There just isn't enough room to breathe between the images you give us, let them sink in before the next hits.

    “much like the bald universe balled and blue in the hand of God
    lied still as a stone when dawn bellowed it's first breath.”

    I think here the “bald” could be done away with. Though the word play is nice with the “balled”, something about it doesn't sit right, takes away from the overall idea, which is quite wonderful. Also, I think the “lied” would work better as “lying.”

    Nit, nit.

    This part is just gorgeous:

    “beneath my torn wing you nested and
    in your face i dreamed.

    i pressed you to my lips
    and
    held you there,

    like a honeysuckle pressed against the roof of my mouth--

    a diminuendo gliding down my throat.”

    I almost want it to end here, to be held in that image. It suddenness, need & yet gentility really appeals to me. It's an incredible bit of writing there. Especially the way you placed that “and”. Shows the marvelousness of the conjunction. So this, this part here is the poem within the poem to me, & it's a beaut.
    | Posted on 2011-04-27 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      mmmmmm. this goes down so nice. love the style here man. SMOOOTH is not even a smooth enough word.
    | Posted on 2011-04-27 00:00:00 | by cornonthekob | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like how it reads now...the end is smooth and i like the alliteration of the last three words.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-27 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      yes, thank you so much for finding the typos and for ur suggestions.

    -jp
    | Posted on 2011-04-27 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      okay, here are some thoughts...

    "lay still as a stone when dawn bellowed its first breath"

    the next to the last line could actually be left out and this would make perfect sense without it...

    but...if you want it still in how about this for the last three lines?

    " like a honeysuckle pressed against the roof of my mouth-/ a diminuendo gliding down my throat, now a/ crescendoing epiphany heard in a midnight song."

    the repetition of "honey" feels accidental ....and unnecessary...the same with repeating "sparrow."


    now to the feel and content of the piece...

    wonderful imagery and i like the reverse feel...i saved a bird once...it was drowning in the lake behind my parents' house...i was fishing...saw it and waded in after it...we nursed it back to health and it stuck around my folks' house for months..

    in this...there is that feeling of the speaker saving the sparrow and then in a twist it is the other way around...the sparrow saves him...repairs the torn wing with love and a kiss that goes so deep it glides down the throat in song and causes the epiphany...which to me...is the feeling of "wow, i can actually love again"

    like carrying baggage into a relationship on a wing...and having that other person give us the chance to love and trust again.

    really moving piece,

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-27 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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