Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Arrhythmiadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Starless Knight
    ASL Info:    20/female/US
    Elite Ratio:    6.11 - 180/204/105
    Words: 469
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 398
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2838



    Description:
       It's about that lull in a relationship where the newness and infatuation has simmered down and you're left trying to figure out if it's really something substantial under all that or if you were just boiling water . . . please, any comments, critiques, etc are welcome. Even the mean ones, I don't usually take offense, lol.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsArrhythmiadots
    -------------------------------------------


    When there's too much going on in my head
    and too many things left unsaid
    even when the topic is supposed to be dead
    I still feel like my heart's full of lead
    between the lines is where I should have read
    because even when we're wrapped up in bed
    after our passions have since been fed
    when I should be happiest is when I feel dread

    We're floating when we should fight
    to keep going, to keep the light
    I don't know what is wrong or what's right
    but its you I still burn for at night

    You know, it just goes to show
    you never know where a relationship will go
    for me you said you'd go through fire or snow
    through every touch and look our love would glow
    but now it's just . . . I don't know
    once gushing love now runs so slow
    I want to work at it; make our waning love grow
    cuz in the future we only reap what we sow . . .

    We're floating when we should fight
    to keep going, to keep the light
    I don't know what is wrong or whats right
    but its you I'll always burn for at night

    And I don't know who we are
    How did we ever stray so far?
    I miss you, my dear, even when we are near
    am I losing you? I'm losing myself to the fear
    We're floating floating floating
    sweetheart
    we should keep going going going
    sweetheart
    please . . .

    Reach out to me, now, we can win this thing yet
    Against our love, no sane one would bet
    My mind and my heart like stone are set
    I'd bleed your name if my blood was ever let
    I could bleed until the whole world was wet
    and never would they ever forget
    who it was that they hurt with their threat
    I'll no longer be doubt and fear's little pet

    We're floating when we should fight
    to keep going, to keep the light
    I don't know what is wrong or whats right
    but its you I'll always burn for at night

    I'll follow my heart, and it leads straight to you
    you know I've always been faithful and true
    I love all the things that we used to do
    I hope we can go back to that, don't you?
    Together forever, until the world turns blue
    When all else is gone it'll just be us two
    I love you, that I thought you knew
    but it'll be alright, our love we'll renew . . .

    We've stopped floating, we'll always fight
    to keep going, to keep the light
    I don't know what is wrong or whats right
    but its you I'll always burn for at night




    Submitted on 2011-05-03 08:51:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      don't believe in "mean ones"

    there are several good lines in this...also many that seem a bit cliché...i would do two things...go through and shorten it....leaving just the best, more different lines...maybe add a unique image or two...and also temper the description...let the readers gauge what the poem is about for them individually...giving too much away at the beginning before we read the piece really limits the scope...

    we would still get the heartbreak that is going on..the frustration in the relationship...
    in stanza 6, lines 3 through 6 are fantastic...really like those so much...it is stuff like that which is so good that gets a bit camouflaged in some of the other lines that are a bit too commonplace in wording..

    hope that helps...

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-05-03 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    190701

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    The World written by jjd
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Keep written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry