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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: April Showersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: stefhy
    ASL Info:    21/f/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 165/83/37
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 507
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 597



    Description:
       This seems so weak, but I had to put something down. I doubt anyone will understand it, but I hope it's worth reading nonetheless.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsApril Showersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Yesterday,

    Yesterday is faded,
    Dark and dreary.
    You weren't there to light my way.
    There was no bright future in tomorrow,
    But we were all okay with that.

    Today,
    Today it got brighter.
    So new, so scary.
    I held sunshine in my hand,
    Hope in my heart,
    And feared to break what it could make.

    Tomorrow,
    Tomorrow is invisible,
    To me, anyway.
    Dark and dreary.
    Because the day before,
    I held sunshine in my hand
    and gave it back to the sky.




    Submitted on 2011-05-06 15:36:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Thanks guys!

    To be honest, I know this wasn't well done. But nothing it represents, had anything to do with 'planning'. The mess that it is, reflects on the mess that I was - and the situation was. I agree that it could be a lot better, given some grammar changes and fixing up. It would be, or at least seem a lot more appealing for a reader as well.

    Alas, I did not write this piece for my readers this time. And I am not getting paid to keep it neat ;). This is as pure and as messy as it's suppose to be.

    I appreciate the input, regardless. I ALWAYS want to hear Everyones take on my writing, just please don't be hurt if I do not change things. Sometimes I will, this time I won't. Even though you are right ;)
    | Posted on 2011-05-12 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
      I absolutely love this!

    "the day before,
    I held sunshine in my hand
    and gave it back to the sky."

    I think this poem is fine the way it is; not every poem needs to be an object of perfection, as we are not perfect beings. This rather lets the muse ramble, the way we ramble in our thoughts; they are not perfectly disciplined, but occur to use often in a rambling, disorganized manner. This delightful poem is the heart speaking the way it feels, mindless of the promptings of the mind for proper english.

    I like this Stefhy!


    | Posted on 2011-05-07 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      Yesterday-
    is faded,
    Dark and dreary.
    You weren't there to light my way.
    There was no bright future in tomorrow,
    But we were all okay with that.

    Today-
    it got brighter.
    So new, so scary.
    I held sunshine in my hand,
    Hope in my heart,
    And feared to break what it could make.

    Tomorrow-
    is invisible,
    To me, anyway.
    Dark and dreary.
    Because the day before,
    I held sunshine in my hand
    and gave it back to the sky.


    i think i would format it something closer to this. i don't think the redundancy is needed at the beginning of each verse. i assume that you were trying to get the effect of depressed sigh of enunciated words...or something like that. lol however, i think that you can achieve this with the proverbial ending dash. it tells the reader to slow down, and that this word/phrase is vital.

    this seems to me as a journey. a search for self and life. and i think that you capture it well here. my only critique would be to show a little more. rather then telling...ie "i held sunshine in my hand" this is telling me something. it paints a picture in my mind and allows me to translate it internally. both can and ought to be achieve. and i think that your last 2 lines nail it.

    so, overall i really did enjoy this piece. i think that you've done a really good job here! these are just some of my thoughts. take them with a grain of salt.

    ciao
    -jp
    | Posted on 2011-05-06 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      Yesterday-
    is faded,
    Dark and dreary.
    You weren't there to light my way.
    There was no bright future in tomorrow,
    But we were all okay with that.

    Today-
    it got brighter.
    So new, so scary.
    I held sunshine in my hand,
    Hope in my heart,
    And feared to break what it could make.

    Tomorrow-
    is invisible,
    To me, anyway.
    Dark and dreary.
    Because the day before,
    I held sunshine in my hand
    and gave it back to the sky.


    i think i would format it something closer to this. i don't think the redundancy is needed at the beginning of each verse. i assume that you were trying to get the effect of depressed sigh of enunciated words...or something like that. lol however, i think that you can achieve this with the proverbial ending dash. it tells the reader to slow down, and that this word/phrase is vital.

    this seems to me as a journey. a search for self and life. and i think that you capture it well here. my only critique would be to show a little more. rather then telling...ie "i held sunshine in my hand" this is telling me something. it paints a picture in my mind and allows me to translate it internally. both can and ought to be achieve. and i think that your last 2 lines nail it.

    so, overall i really did enjoy this piece. i think that you've done a really good job here! these are just some of my thoughts. take them with a grain of salt.

    ciao
    -jp
    | Posted on 2011-05-06 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      this is evidence of what we have gone through here in southern illinois....three weeks straight of heavy april rains...washing out roads, and farmer's fields and hope in general..then some sunshine...but so much damage it is hard to be optimistic..

    on the love side...i see this...someone alone after getting her heart broken...yesterday seemed so dismal, so hopeless, no one to light the way...

    then he came along...a ray of sunshine, someone i could hold in my hand...could love...there was hope...but i feared too much to get my heart broken again..and walked away...

    so tomorrow holds no hope..it is invisible to me because you are invisible to me..i let you go...

    i gave you back to the sky....i like that line...almost like "you were a gift from God in my life" but i gave you back because i was too afraid to be hurt...

    so even though i was thinking of all the flooding, hail damage etc from the storms and the aftermath...the feeling of not trusting the heavens...figuring they will open up again...and there are storms forecast for saturday...

    so i went two ways at once in the reading of this...

    related...

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-05-06 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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