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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Profiledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Zai
    ASL Info:    24/m/US
    Elite Ratio:    3.97 - 66/145/98
    Words: 239
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 660
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1436



    Description:
       Made a couple of minor changes with word choice and placement and such.

    Nit Pick it! I want this to be a good solid piece.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Profiledots
    -------------------------------------------


    In text I type my alluring hype in black on white,
    more dark than light, more spark than fight.
    A warmth at night hidden from ambiant plight.
    This is who I am, sitting before the LCD,
    When no one is watching and I can be as I please.
    As I ease my Self from myself, sentimentally.
    My fingers are the keys, the password prompt a lock,
    And each successive strike sinks my Self with concrete blocks.

    Myself, designed to feign the Mind.
    A silver outline, the persona you'll find.
    My standing profile to the physically blind.
    Withdraw to creativity, this is what I'll let you see.
    C-team, three steps from varsity,
    Wash dishes at the Old Oak Tree,
    CDs, TVs, the part that's Me.
    My teams, My songs, My being.
    Free.

    My Self, predestined to genetics design.
    Stumbling and stuttering and stilting this time.
    Leveled to a pedistal I dont wish to ride.
    Nervous and sweating, awkwardly shy.
    Keep your tacit remarks by your side,
    Just know there are places where I dont have to hide.

    My canvas is blank when I bring my fingers to bare,
    And the picture that I paint has but two colors to share.
    And when you see my masterpiece weave circles out of squares,
    That's when all is figured out, and few seem to care.




    Submitted on 2011-05-07 22:54:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The last stanza is possibly the most powerful. At least it seems so to me. It brings everything together in an inescapable conclusion.
    | Posted on 2013-12-21 00:00:00 | by CrypticBard | [ Reply to This ]
      the idea i have of myself inside is better than the one that comes out on paper when i try to write my profile in poems...

    when i see the real me on the page, there is a darkness i don't see when i look at me...

    the imagined me better than the real me?

    and in poetry we get to be who we want to be..

    sylvia plath wrote so strongly...wrote that she "eats men like air" yet in real life played the subserviant role of mother, house-wife, caregiver for her poet husband Ted Hughes...
    behind the keyboard no one can see us...all they see are the letters, the words we put on the page that reflect the us we show on the screen...

    i like this...needs some proofing...several contractions need apostrophes..and "pedestal" in that one line...but an interesting portrayal as self as seen outside of one's self.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-05-07 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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