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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mad Poet in the Librarydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Kaddish
    Elite Ratio:    5.42 - 53/41/18
    Words: 239
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1164
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1559



    Description:
       suggestions for improvement please!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMad Poet in the Librarydots
    -------------------------------------------


    In the eerie, viscous darkness
    He strikes his first match
    And suddenly each object casts a shadow
    And each shadow casts a fear.

    He breathes
    The gathered dust starts spinning
    An untimely insanity creeps over his mind
    He feels like a caveman
    With his soul being pulled off
    By the voices of the wild streams
    But it may be only a leaking tap
    In the adjoining restroom.

    Ahh! Poetry has forsaken him forever!

    Now he can see
    Characters over running the pages
    Fleeing from imagination of their authors
    Like he had once escaped from
    The thoughts and acceptance of God.

    He is looking for a book, specially a bookmark
    Where she had penciled a little charade for him
    Nobody knew who wrote it for whom
    But somehow, she knew and he knew.

    He strikes another match
    This time lights a candle too
    Pure white candle as if carved from ice
    Its dim translucence darkens the latticed shadows
    Turning his pale face all the more sepulchral

    Tomorrow they will pull down this termite eaten structure
    It is too old to exist and they dont know
    That moments can have consciousness too
    Yes, these are the moments that pretend to be dust
    Most often they smell like powdered wood or wet earth
    Uniformly and determinedly, they settle on everything
    A fine layer of yesterday, turning all sepia limned.




    Submitted on 2011-05-12 15:03:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well I rather enjoyed it for the most part. However if advice you are looking for then I will try my best.

    I understand why you used the word viscous, however, I think perhaps it is a better word to convey the idea. Palpable; corporal; ???

    I am not particularly fond of "An untimely insanity creeps over his mind" if you feel it is need for some reason I would consider working it in a differen manor.

    "Ahh! Poetry has forsaken him forever!" Personally I would just drop this line altogether. (but keep in mind I do not write nearly as much as I use to and you can read my work and see I don't really speak with authority.

    Otherwise... As I said it was a very enjoyable piece. Which, in my world means good...




    | Posted on 2011-05-14 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good, well writen. Dreams can come from memories too faint to be recalled when one is awake. Yet they can seem so alive and real,'tho distorted, when they appear to us in our dreams.
    | Posted on 2011-05-13 00:00:00 | by DUSTYTU | [ Reply to This ]
      he is like an old dilapidated library...with all the words in his head that are getting dusty...

    but he has lost his connection with her...the bookmark of where they were...

    but now he and she know it is over..in the dust they will not find love anymore...it is getting ready to be leveled, an old condemned building to be razed.

    i see metaphor here...and i may be way off the intention..but i loved this poem for what i saw...

    moments are memories that settle like dust...
    painted gone.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-05-12 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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