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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Drowningdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: keyverse
    Elite Ratio:    4.97 - 9/6/6
    Words: 396
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 887
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2482



    Description:
       A Poem bout my life


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDrowningdots
    -------------------------------------------


    When i was 9 i used to love pools cuz
    hot summer days back then
    made me hate my skin
    they way it seemed to,
    attract and trap the sun\'s radiation
    Had me sweating and fanning trying to increase the circulation
    of cooled blood to my extremities
    and alleviate my agitation with my own skin
    Ironic right
    But not as ironic as the word play
    when my parched skin touched the waters surface
    As i dove in and embraced it\'s cool sensations
    with feet barely touching the ground
    i bounced up and down just to keep from drownin
    but disasters are inevitable when you\'re in too deep
    When currents sweep you away
    to where there\'s no foundation under your feet
    So, if a young black boy drowns when no one\'s around
    does he make a sound, or does he just sink like his hopes and dreams
    What happens to that soul adrift
    in the cold abyss of the world
    What happens when the storms endure for more than a night
    When, perilous winds and mercilous rains pound your brain all your life
    What happens to that Pschy, that ego
    that limitless supply of determination and balls
    does it keep fighting and struggling for that last gasp of air
    or does it tred water until the last drop of rain falls
    And the sun burns away all the clouds in the sky
    or does it sink
    tired legs failing
    water logged throat yelling for help
    As lungs burst from the pressure of dealing with too much pressure
    To this day i have nightmares about
    Bottomless pools with no way out
    Just soundless space and the taste of chlorine in my mouth
    Just to awake in a dry bed
    Still floundering in the muck and the mire of my own head
    I know my God would never give me a load i couldn\'t bear
    But lately i\'ve been too burdened to care
    Legs kicking, arms flailing, hands grasping, mouth gasping for air
    It seems like centuries that i\'ve been fightin the current
    But currently i haven\'t had the currency to keep up the struggle
    And with every exertion to survive i feel my fatigue double
    So
    What happens to the little black boy who drowns
    When onlookers and passer-byes gather around
    And stare at his now limp, lifeless body lying so peacefully on the ground
    Ironic right




    Submitted on 2011-05-19 10:13:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      
    "What happens to that Pschy, that ego" "Pschy" should be "psyche". That & those back slashes with the apostrophes, not sure if that's just some glitch, this place definitely seems to have them, are the only things I would immediately fix with this poem.

    I think that this is excellent. I really enjoy the way you revisit certain images & sayings & carry the theme throughout the poem, as an analogy. Sometimes analogies & metaphors can be very restrictive in a poem, but I found that you use it as a frame work, & the issues that you're confronting, both personal & societal, is wonderfully carried out.

    I also like this "Ironic right". There is something about this that is very spoken, but not concerned with being clever, more just needing something to adhere a story to so that you can get that story out, & so I enjoy the length, the way it stretches itself thin in some places, rambles a little bit here & there, because it shows how very real, & relatively unedited this is & that's life, ya know? We don't get to do a whole lot of editing.

    You already received some great notes in the previous comment about the implications of this, the racial self awareness as Bill put it. Again, the individual in a much larger picture.

    I think this is fantastic. Yes, you could touch it up, but I would do so cautiously, as I wouldn't want it to lose that natural, fresh quality.
    | Posted on 2011-05-24 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      This would probably explode if it were either a bit shorter (by that I mean it would have greater impact because the focus would be tighter) or if were broken up into more reader friendly sections.

    The drowning motif seems to be a fitting analogy for racial self-awareness (the us vs. them dichotomy), racism itself (at least from my perspective), and the world's indifference to both. At least that's what I gather is at the center of this write. Although I could be wrong (but I don't believe I am).

    Interesting work.
    Bill
    | Posted on 2011-05-19 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      needs grammatical fixing up...

    but smoothed out this is a good read...nice analogy of treading water, trying not to drown in life itself....Life is a struggle, moreso for some..

    and this portrays that...the feeling of not being able to breathe, to move forward..the strokes hindered by those who hold us back...squelch our dreams..
    this did remind me a bit of Langston Hughes..and i love his stuff...especially "dream deferred" which i liken this too..

    i also might shorten it a bit...

    i think it would contain more impact..if it was packed in a smaller package...

    but there is intensity in the feeling of it.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-05-19 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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