Night folds its dewy fingers around me...
And there's something odd about the way
Shadows fall at this hour, something strange
About the way sounds travel
Here - the waves, long and thin, trapped in flow
Like rivers or the veins of leaves;
The seemingly shapeless curds of clouds,
An undulating repetition in water and in flames
We are together on this planet that is breathing
Soft pulsations sustaining life, of which I don't know
The first thing; how the eye is a city
Walled in fortresses you won't let me pass,
Ringed in blue like waters caught
In the drenching shade of a rainy evening's twilight,
Stilled sky eminent behind storm-clouds.
After having read this a few times I noticed that you sort of started backwards. I don't know if it was intentional or if what I'm saying is accurate but it gives the impression that you started with the stanza with which you should have finished. It's quite scintillating the effect yielded. I got that idea from the "rainy evening's twilight" ... maybe I got it all wrong but that was the feeling I got.
As to the first stanza, you seem to be displaying an ode to the curls found everywhere we look. This also bears some resemblance to romantic poetry which makes it quite enjoyable as well.
With regards to the second stanza, I have to say that this is the one I liked the most though it was the one I had to chew over longer before making something out of it. I was also partial to the part where you mention that "the eye is a city ringed in blue like a fortress" I couldn't, until the last read, make heads or tails of this but then I thought that you could be describing someone's eye colour. I know that there's more to it than meets the eye with "Eye is a city" ... perhaps something like the fact that the eye is the one part that brings light to the body and mind just like a city bring light to the earth in darkness. The imagery you achieve here is beautiful, the city being the eye (s) of the planet that's surrounded by water. It must be for the recent tragedy that we had here and more recently in Japan because your write also sort of brought to mind the fierce power of the sea and the little we can do when it strikes.
That's about it,
|| Posted on 2011-05-30 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ] |
It's so good to see you post! I was wondering where you'd gone off to. :)
This is wonderful. It engages all the senses, & the heart & intellect to, in the way that a good, complete poem should. I love how it both sets the scene & ponders the scene, not in relating to it, or defining it, so much as trying to understand it & your place in it. & there is also something dreamlike about this too. Maybe because it makes me think of the mind's eye. There is a nearness to your surroundings, but also a distance, & you're deftly exploring that space.
I also love the imagery of the storm & how that guides this. Storms have a way of making us snap to attention, to look around & notice how things affect things, how colors contrast & blend. It gives this hyperawareness that you've made into a wonderful discovery of the soul. It's really quite stunning.
I must agree about the title: doesn't do it justice. But that is a small thing when it comes to a poem such as this. So good to read you. You should post more. You really should.
|| Posted on 2011-05-24 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ] || Your voice has grown since you first started posting -- you've reached that point where it is yours and yours alone. And I think one needs to hear that sort of thing at some point when it is evidently so. |
As for the poem itself, it's very... ethereal, philosophic, yet earthed in imagery I can touch and think over.
Please change the title -- it doesn't do it justice.
|| Posted on 2011-05-19 00:00:00 | by trinityfinger | [ Reply to This ] || reminds me of a line on Seinfeld..."it's about nothing" "i think you might have something there"|
this is a curious piece to me...i find it intriguing in that the first stanza leads me to think of night sounds...and how prominent they are when there is no one out and about, no laughter of children, or other sounds of daytime activity..
the first stanza with "wave" repeated almost feels accidental..like a synonym might go into one of the spots..i can almost hear the clouds..which obviously we don't really hear unless there are storms...
but hearing them moving across the sky..it is so quiet, and every sound is so evident...
the second part of this brings in the lover idea..or potential lover who won't let the speaker close...and i like the effective imagery here, because for me...rather than this falling off imagery wise..if felt it gain momentum and then close me in..like i was a stilled sky wanting to break lose...
like...the night is lonely without the other person...the speaker wants the other but can't have him or her...and then...the feeling just makes this speaker want to jump out of his or her shoes...just break free of the wanting...and have...
it is too quiet without...i can hear myself think, breathe and want.
still the "wave" thing bothered me a tad..but overall..
this poem kind of socked me in the eye.
|| Posted on 2011-05-19 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ] || Keep in mind it is my personal policy to only comment on work I like and/or has potential (in my mind). |
This certainly has potential, but something about it ultimately falls flat. I can’t put my finger on it because to me each line reads very well on its own with this being the best in my view:
“Night folds its dewy fingers around me...”
“Like rivers or the veins of leaves
Or the seemingly shapeless curds of clouds,
the undulating repetition of waves or flames”
In general the first stanza outshines the second because the second seems to lose some focus that makes the first one pop out at me. I really have nothing constructive to offer other than to practice, practice, and practice some more and keep working on your craft.
Then again as several can tell you both from experience and by reviewing my own work I really speak with no authority so it may even be best to ignore me…
|| Posted on 2011-05-19 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ] |