This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -
 

Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

It's What You Wanted, So Why Bitch Now?


Author: Runes
Elite Ratio:    5.29 - 790 /815 /281
Words: 82
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 832
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 531



Description:




It's What You Wanted, So Why Bitch Now?



I don't love you anymore.
The words taste good and my tongue
celebrates. My heart is pure muscle;
there's no hint of break. You might want
to hurt, but you've waited too late...
I don't love you anymore.

All the silk words that you streamed
past my eyes, mean nothing to read now,
so why act surprised? I'm a shallow girl,
damaged--out of sight, out of mind--
You fell back; I left you behind.







Submitted on 2011-05-20 21:18:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  "my tongue celebrates"

"my heart is pure muscle"

mmm yes.
i like the almost violent nature of the first stanza and the strong persona that is advanced...then the second stanza twists...and the speaker is admitting being damaged, an emotional wreck...

"you fell back"
but was quicker, and fell farther back faster...and away from you...
"the silk words you streamed" smooth..like the fast talking dude pulling magic tricks with his words to fool the unsuspecting woman...who falls for the illusion.

i like the way this hits...although the title doesn't work for me....yes i understand the use of it...but i think it takes away from the force of the piece poetically,,,and maybe takes away from how we can absorb this poem with a more serious tone...

what a combo.."a shallow girl with a heart of muscle"

jacob
| Posted on 2011-05-20 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



190971