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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Puzzle of Thoughtsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Specdro
    ASL Info:    28/Of Course/NY
    Elite Ratio:    2.94 - 21/53/38
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Poetry/Me
    Total Views: 1216
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 661



    Description:
       I tried to write something free verse and I couldn't do it lol. I ended up with my usual rhyming scheme so I guess you can chalk this write up as practice.

    I like to write to get my thoughts in order so this write is just that, me putting my thoughts in order.

    I feel like I could have been more descriptive but I can't seem to pull my self away from rhyming which doesn't give me much room.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Puzzle of Thoughtsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A 1000 pieces shattered and scattered across the universe of my mind.
    Each piece like it's own galaxy is filled with stars, memories, planets and thoughts of all kind.
    Sorting through the pieces, flipping them over and facing them about,
    Separating pertinent chunks and pulling all the framework out.

    Piece by piece is placed in their place
    and I am reminded that feelings have no face.
    The planets have all been aligned, a result of sorting through the thoughts in my mind.
    I look over the pieces like a god to see how they fit.
    It looks like my own image of heaven. With you in it.




    Submitted on 2011-05-22 19:48:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      First off, here are a few corrections I've made. Mostly grammatical:

    A thousand pieces shattered and scattered across the universe of my mind.
    Each piece like its own galaxy is filled with stars, memories, planets and thoughts of all kinds.
    Sorting through the pieces, flipping them over and facing them about,
    Separating pertinent chunks and pulling all the framework out.

    Piece by piece is placed in their place <-- This line needs some clarification. It's worded funny.
    and I am reminded that feelings have no face.
    The planets have all been aligned, a result of sorting through the thoughts in my mind.
    I look over the pieces like a god to see how they fit.
    It looks like my own image of heaven. With you in it.





    The rhyming scheme is fine. I don't see a problem with it at all. You have some very strong lines, but also lines that sound out of place or make little to no sense.

    Your strongest lines include:
    "Separating pertinent chunks and pulling all the framework out."
    "and I am reminded that feelings have no face."
    I would like to see more of those kind of lines. They're unique.

    The other lines I'm not that sure about include:
    "Piece by piece is placed in their place" I like the idea of "placed in their place", though.
    "The planets have all been aligned, a result of sorting through the thoughts in my mind." This seems a little bit too wordy to me. The rhyming is nice, though.
    "Sorting through the pieces, flipping them over and facing them about," 'Facing them about' needs to be changed, it's worded awkwardly.


    I really like the picture you included with this -- it really fits in, but is not a mandatory aspect to the poem.

    Just watch out for a few grammatical and wording errors and you'll be fine. Also, try to tweak the form a bit.

    I like the ideas and I like where the poem is going. I'd just like to see more. :)



    | Posted on 2011-05-23 00:00:00 | by Poehemian | [ Reply to This ]
      I actually agree with Jacob concerning that line, it was really striking to me and has a stark contrast with the rest of your poem.

    I wanted to elaborate more though in a direction I think Jacob was heading toward. We have originality in this piece and I think the premise of a giant puzzle called the universe actually stands firm in my imagination and allows me to wonder how you're going to connect the universe, your universe, or something personal to you toward this metaphor you've created, yet...

    Let's talk about your use of rhyme in the fourth and fifth line with out and about. I really yield on rhyming with prepositions because it's overdone, a little cliché, and grammatically tacky as well. Though it may seem to roll off the tongue, actually speaking it aloud, it sounds strange, and all the content doesn't improve the situation which I'd like to address next.

    We're talking about the universe in your mind as a puzzle that requires pieces to complete. But we can't escape the simple truth, it is just that, a puzzle with pieces that compliment each other. So when you simplify it down, we're talking about completing a puzzle with a 1000 parts. Where you want to take that is simply up to your imagination but don't forget the framework of this poem, its initial intent, and the goal. Also, what does "facing them about" even mean? About isn't a verb at all, so you can't face them about. I don't know if it's an idiom type of thing, but it didn't make much sense to me.

    "Piece by piece was placed in their place." Come now, this is lacking some creativity. You could relate again to what your universe contains, and relate each piece of the puzzle to a place in a galaxy or make up something else. This idea seems left behind, lacking articulation, and imagination-stomping.

    And while I said I like the line "feelings have no face" it almost makes no sense in this poem because I'm not seeing the personal connection to this idea called a universe of puzzle pieces. Was the universe of your mind always a puzzle, what's the past of this idea, give your idea some dialogue or backstory or at least something with some meat on it. These ideas are flattened by abandonment.

    This is the only clear thing about this poem, in my opinion. You're a creator of a universe, piecing it together one piece at a time. Thought has been put into carefully placed puzzle pieces so the universe behaves as the creator would like it to. But these are actions, not emotions.

    Express what you really want to say with more feeling and this idea could expand past what it is right now.

    Also your easy one-syllable rhyming pattern doesn't do any justice either, I suppose.
    | Posted on 2011-05-23 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ]
      "feelings have no face"

    i really like that line...

    don't know what to tell you about the rhyming thing...i usually think in free verse more than anything else..and won't rhyme unless it comes naturally...but there are times when it does come naturally and i can't think in anything else but meter and rhyme...the muse has a mind of its own---and more or less rules us i think..

    you may get more descriptive with this...but there are some good lines in it...

    "separating pertinent chunks and pulling all the framework out"

    another really good one.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-05-22 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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