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    dots Submission Name: the momentdots

    Author: AutumnLeaves
    ASL Info:    26/f/ Cyprus
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 95/103/44
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 992
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 551

       I witnessed a moment.....

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe momentdots

    I just love the word moment.
    I cannot describe it,
    I cannot completely capture it,
    but somehow it is there.
    There, between the graceful unfolding of a flag,
    and his withering escape.
    The word moment speaks to me.
    There, among a tedious conversation
    the moment reveals its dynamic.
    like a sword,
    I become aware of its status
    its static force.
    There, I notice the glimpse
    and I hear the still moment,
    among other words.

    Submitted on 2011-05-23 18:51:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This has potential. The thought behind it is great. The moments you illustrated were alive and present. Are they real? Did they really occur? If not, good job. But if you chose deep moments in your life and applied them to this, then I think this could be special. Was the flag line an actual occurrence? Because that line grabbed me. Cheers.
    | Posted on 2013-08-30 00:00:00 | by CNPerry | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this because: I think it's set up, a bit casual, like, and so you expect it to be amateur 101 with an over abundance of words and the time you put into reading them being the waste.

    isn't like that and so from the casual and humble beginnings of:

    I just love the word moment.
    I cannot describe it,

    you begin to build and to elevate. & what had the beginnings of a dunce thought transmutes into:

    I cannot completely capture it,

    and the way that comes hard on the heels of that

    it's a track stopper. it stops you in your tracks, in a good way and you begin to examine that.

    & i like that the introduction of somehow seems relevant to those humble beginnings and the introduction of elevation, the thought seems pious
    because of that & that's good, because that's been handled so well it doesn't seem posy.

    the use of there and the repetition of there is really pivotal, it nails down what you had been struggling to define and then the loveliness of the accompanying / following lines is inescapable.

    and i like that the flag lines have a bit of mortality about them. you think of a folded flag and the death of a soldier and somehow you have reversed and not reversed that and it's quite potent. and nourishing and still unsettling. re unsettling: withering escape.

    and again, the set up and repeat of there
    is lovely structuring. the word moment speaks to you, and that is nice, and nice because it's defining. then the use of dynamics v statics.

    i liked that, and how the poem seemed to take a turn and you could have almost been talking phallic/s in a way. the narrator becoming enamored by. with, the proposition, the thing that had set her thinking in the first place. and she becomes preoccupied with this, in other words.

    Obviously there is room for different interpretations but i think the important thing is how well constructed this is and that there is so much here.

    i hate poem raters. who can rate a poem. few people can write them.
    | Posted on 2011-09-26 00:00:00 | by lameboyofhameln | [ Reply to This ]
      I am intrigued by the idea of writing about a single word. The Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh wrote a wonderful book called "Present Moment, Wonderful Moment" where he described the treasure of mindful living. Moments are like words in poems or paint on canvass ....each significant yes...but also part of the greater whole. Not to mention they are the building blocks of our lives. Just one, can change the course of life.

    I was thinking about your opening line..."I just love the word moment" and I started thinking and wondering: ...What do you love about the word? Is it the sound of the word when spoken, the written impact of the word on a page, the meaning, the memories? There is so much here and like jacoberin, I also wonder if you would consider making the piece longer.

    Thanks for sharing this.

    | Posted on 2011-09-25 00:00:00 | by EW61 | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the brevity...it has impact...i know different readers come from different angles..

    the beginning of the poem almost seems to come off as trite...but it creates surprise...what comes from the 4th line on...is quite imaginative...and the phrasing quite good...

    this one captured me in its moment of rapture...

    i remember george carlin saying "there's a moment coming, it's almost here, here it is, oh [censored], it's gone"

    but yes, a good word...

    i like.--also this poem fits with your penname...autumn leaves have their "moment" of brilliance before their fall.

    | Posted on 2011-05-23 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      If there was one suggestion I could make for this poem, it's to personify "Moment". Don't make it an "it", rather, make it a "he" or "she" That'll give the poem more of an impact.

    You have some original ideas here, but also some common ideas, too.

    These lines, for example, are amazing:
    "There, between the graceful unfolding of a flag,
    and his withering escape."

    These lines, on the other hand, could be better:
    "I just love the word moment.
    I cannot describe it,"
    It doesn't sound poetic enough to me.
    Perhaps try something like:
    "I am enamored with this moment.
    Moment. I just cannot describe you."
    Just an idea...

    Have you thought of possibly making this piece longer?
    | Posted on 2011-05-23 00:00:00 | by Poehemian | [ Reply to This ]

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