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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Scripteddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Razor2TheRosary
    ASL Info:    24 - f - Philly
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 238/127/51
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 698
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 883



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsScripteddots
    -------------------------------------------


    And the vanity of self-destruction
    is hung from a black diamond rosary.
    Windows crack in the midst of eruption
    until stained glass shatters all over me.

    How many lines can I forget before you stop the show?
    In which dirty costume will you be glad to see me go?
    Whose disfigured shadow looks alive in the neon glow?
    How few alternate endings can replace the one you know?

    And the tragedy of mass corruption
    opens curtains that were better left tied.
    I falter and slur through interruptions
    until I'm convinced that I'd never tried.

    How far beneath the surface is the good you found in me?
    Are stitches proven useless if I scratch repeatedly?
    Are we close to redemption if what's sacred is guilty?
    Between desire and intention lies insanity.




    Submitted on 2011-05-25 09:43:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this could be political or just simply about a relationship--

    once you really get to me...you'll find some good, but is it just below the surface, and if you look more deeply am something bad...i wear different personalities...which one do you want me to be...as a lover or as a leaver..

    wanting to be good...but others bring out the worst in us...sometimes.
    maybe that good is too deeply hidden...can't dig that far...

    i kept reading this and suddenly i thought of stephen king's "Carrie"--

    that whole chaotic ending..that never would have happened if only---if only...they would have gotten to know her instead of making fun of her...

    there is monster within all of us i think..just for most of us...that monster remains dormant.

    still digesting this...

    but really like it...

    my thought about the ending is that it is perfectly succinct and gives sharp closure.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-05-25 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this. At the beginning it sorts of brought to mind a song from Evanescence called "Everybody's fool"
    where Amy Lee, supposedly, as well as you bashes those deceivingly immaculate public figures who seems to be superficially perfect on account of the sole fact that they have money to look like that. This issue has always bugged and your write appears to be dealing with that subject particularly as to the first 2 stanzas. I'm not entirely sure though I'm just speculating since I was not able to grasp the third stanza. It also gives the impression that you are romantically disappointed and hope to repair whatever was broken most notably with this line "How few alternate endings can replace the one you know?"

    Additionally, there's definitely remorse in the last part possibly as a result of the distress fuelled by a purported parting.

    As for some suggestions, I would say that the penultimate line would make more sense and sound better, at least in my book, if you dropped the "y" in guilt. And finally, and as tacky as this might sound, the last line could be longer than the previous. I believe a more powerful effect would be yielded if you did so ... just an idea though... your call.

    Kind regards,

    Ethan Brody.
    | Posted on 2011-05-25 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]


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