Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: In All the Yearsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Anneboleyn707
    ASL Info:    18/Female/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    3.96 - 44/84/67
    Words: 54
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 804
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 378



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIn All the Yearsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In all the years
    Such vibrant pores
    Had never stretched
    And fallen to earth,
    As our glistening forms just had,
    Nor came to know the hindered words
    Of lies, in which were clad.
    In all the years
    Such havoc sheds
    Below our lusty lair
    And chaos strains our consciousness
    And others standing there.




    Submitted on 2011-05-26 17:47:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This sort of brings to mind this film called "the invention of lying" starred by Jennifer Garner. There seems to be something about that in your write. It sounds as if lying had been discovered sometime in the past and that the outcome was mayhem. I don't know if I'm on the right track, I apologize if not.

    In similar vein, I must say that many seem to think that violence is learnt as well as lying. I believe that we are born with the capacity for both things. It's, in my book, with the environment that we develop or lessen those natural attributes, to put that way.

    As to your words, I was all at sea with the "havoc sheds" line. I wasn't sure how to interpret that, I reckon I'm still wondering whether you meant the second words as plural or if it's a conjugated verb. Anyhow, none of them made sense to me. But then again that might be me showing my lack of wits.

    As for critiques, I took the liberty to modified your write just a bit so as to favour the flow a little, hope you don't mind. This is merely a suggestion though.

    "In all the years
    Such vibrant pores
    Had never stretched
    And fallen to earth,
    As our glistening forms just had,
    Nor came to know
    the hindered words of lies,
    in which were clad.
    In all the years
    Such havoc sheds
    Below our lusty lair
    And chaos strains our consciousness
    And others standing there"


    Kind regards,
    Ethan
    | Posted on 2011-05-30 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      this is like getting to know you after all these years...because we finally are shedding the lies...we are adopting honesty in our relationship...there has been lust but no trust...

    and now we are embarking on a new start...
    and the last two lines could refer to the chaos we caused one another with those lies...

    and not necessarily lies, but hiding the real us..

    i like this...the one spot that trips me a little...lines 7 and 8...i like the wording ...but the "in which" and "in all" so close together feels like they collide...too much "in " jammed too close together...
    if only some rearrangement there...
    \
    but otherwise smooth..less is more kind of thing..and this one allows us to go places..not necessarily all to the same place.


    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-05-26 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    191093

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Bond written by saartha
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Wavelength written by saartha
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To written by SavedDragon
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Giving written by jjd
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry