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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: In All the Yearsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Anneboleyn707
    ASL Info:    18/Female/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    3.96 - 44/84/67
    Words: 54
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 720
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 378



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIn All the Yearsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In all the years
    Such vibrant pores
    Had never stretched
    And fallen to earth,
    As our glistening forms just had,
    Nor came to know the hindered words
    Of lies, in which were clad.
    In all the years
    Such havoc sheds
    Below our lusty lair
    And chaos strains our consciousness
    And others standing there.




    Submitted on 2011-05-26 17:47:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This sort of brings to mind this film called "the invention of lying" starred by Jennifer Garner. There seems to be something about that in your write. It sounds as if lying had been discovered sometime in the past and that the outcome was mayhem. I don't know if I'm on the right track, I apologize if not.

    In similar vein, I must say that many seem to think that violence is learnt as well as lying. I believe that we are born with the capacity for both things. It's, in my book, with the environment that we develop or lessen those natural attributes, to put that way.

    As to your words, I was all at sea with the "havoc sheds" line. I wasn't sure how to interpret that, I reckon I'm still wondering whether you meant the second words as plural or if it's a conjugated verb. Anyhow, none of them made sense to me. But then again that might be me showing my lack of wits.

    As for critiques, I took the liberty to modified your write just a bit so as to favour the flow a little, hope you don't mind. This is merely a suggestion though.

    "In all the years
    Such vibrant pores
    Had never stretched
    And fallen to earth,
    As our glistening forms just had,
    Nor came to know
    the hindered words of lies,
    in which were clad.
    In all the years
    Such havoc sheds
    Below our lusty lair
    And chaos strains our consciousness
    And others standing there"


    Kind regards,
    Ethan
    | Posted on 2011-05-30 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      this is like getting to know you after all these years...because we finally are shedding the lies...we are adopting honesty in our relationship...there has been lust but no trust...

    and now we are embarking on a new start...
    and the last two lines could refer to the chaos we caused one another with those lies...

    and not necessarily lies, but hiding the real us..

    i like this...the one spot that trips me a little...lines 7 and 8...i like the wording ...but the "in which" and "in all" so close together feels like they collide...too much "in " jammed too close together...
    if only some rearrangement there...
    \
    but otherwise smooth..less is more kind of thing..and this one allows us to go places..not necessarily all to the same place.


    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-05-26 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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