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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: In Bare Fieldsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 944
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1632



    Description:
       a few ideas thrown together today...as usual this is a rough draft that im sure to change. all suggestions welcomed.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIn Bare Fieldsdots
    -------------------------------------------



    the scent of cut grass impregnates the afternoon,
    (naked we lie breath to breath in the fields)


    the sun sambas across your gilded skin,
    (our bodies entwine like thyme)


    and the flowers embrace our rebellious forms,

              (your leg planted between mine-
    your head resting in the secret between my chin and chest)


    daffodils nestle in the dimples of your buxom bottom
    (the waves of your curves crash against the coastline of my body)


    as it folds into the back of your lush upper thighs, and
    (my passion rises and bites the apple of your pubis)-


    like the swollen peach at the end of harvest
                                                                               you

    are meant to be consumed- and
    linger upon my dreaming lips until summer's spectacular return.




    Submitted on 2011-05-26 20:19:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      A modern rendition of the Song of Songs. Effective & awe inspiring.
    | Posted on 2013-01-13 00:00:00 | by CrypticBard | [ Reply to This ]
      passion, love, and nature all combined; the fragrant scent of clover wafts in the imagination of the reader, and lovemaking in a grassy meadow somehow seems to be linked to the purity of the out-of-doors....

    Nice work!
    | Posted on 2011-06-15 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      instead of "bottom" how about "derierre"?

    without the buxom..the line as it is now seems somewhat unfinished...and awkward..

    just a thought...if you wanted to take buxom out...how about the different word which also gives it a bit of alliteration?
    | Posted on 2011-05-29 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      JP." Until summer's spectacular return" feels like a bit of overkill (as do "philosophize" and "buxom"). This feels like a draft that could be focused simply by removing those phrases, but (of course) I could be wrong. Sorry I can't offer much of a comment; I'm out of the country at the moment. Bill
    | Posted on 2011-05-28 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      sexy, sensual and suggestive. and tastefully done. i love this piece so much. and the unity of it is wonderful. the last line connects back to the first line, with the summer imagery. what i especially enjoy is the way the reader utilizes all of his/her senses to read the piece...there is the smell of cut grass, the feeling of the warmth of the sun, the suggestion of taste and the sensation of skin-on-skin.

    Good write!!
    | Posted on 2011-05-28 00:00:00 | by rubie | [ Reply to This ]
      There.... (sorry Sarah, to have completely butchered your wonderful poem).


    'I thought of you'


    I thought of you and how you love this beauty,

    And walking up the long beach all alone

    I heard the waves breaking in measured thunder

    As you and I once heard their monotone.

    Around me were the echoing dunes, beyond me

    The cold and sparkling silver of the sea --

    We two will pass through death and ages lengthen

    Before you hear that sound again with me.

    ----------------------------------------------------------
    and: stylistic choices aside, you see what she achieves so simply? the content is heavy, not so much the word.
    | Posted on 2011-05-27 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      as i mentioned, these lines are great.

    your head resting in the secret between my chin and chest)

    the rest of the poem is thinly - not at all connected in that it's a collection of statements that are wearing a lot of colourful clothes, and without the connection, or even the inherent rhythm that i believe exists in a lot of good poems, i think this is over-worked and under efforted, and somethin about effort. i think it means you can and do do hundreds of edits, and mind edits, placing words, exchanging them, repositioning them, until - as near as you can get it - everything is essential.

    and i think a lot of successful poems have a conceit... i think of Sarah Teasdale's poem about what it was to walk with her love, the worldly, shared, take you right there into that moment

    thing of it.

    and then at the close she goes into almost a repeat of the scene, and says something something

    and shadows lengthen,
    but you will never walk this way with me.

    there is surprise there, the intimacy and the state and the oneness with nature, the sharedness, and us outside looking in thinking this is so lovely, this is grandness,

    and then that last line sort of kills you. for her,
    for you.

    so no, i think this reads much like it looks -
    a bit all in parts and with lines heavily modified:

    daffodils nestle in the dimples of your buxom bottom

    etc
    | Posted on 2011-05-27 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very intense, beautifully written.

    the waves of your curves crash against the coastline of my body

    I especially enjoyed that bit. What a clever line!

    | Posted on 2011-05-27 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      this borders on over the top erotica..but just borders on it...plays it close enough without quite pushing the envelope too far..
    it is sexy..and raw in one sense...but restrained in another...

    the imagery dealing with the "apple of the pubis"

    mmm that is good..and then there are all the nature images...

    this starts out like two separate poems side by side and then the two poems embrace into one, just like the lovers...

    nice job..and the ending is cool...like that...

    i like the separated "you"

    really draws attention away from the speaker and towards that other person...nice play there.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-05-26 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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