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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tangled Kitesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Civilian
    ASL Info:    21/M/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    7.14 - 146/166/35
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 814
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 686



    Description:
       Thanks to Jacob for his helpful suggestions. I'm genuinely interested to get some feedback on this one.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTangled Kitesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    When they threw us together
    we snared like two spools of string.

    I felt your line catch mine:
    the strands looped and crisscrossed
    up, down and around themselves
    until we were tangled.

    I traced the spirals back,
    unlocking fabric fingers,
    but the twine seemed to re-knot
    even as it uncoiled.

    Now, as the wind holds its breath
    and we lurch through the night,
    I will scream mutely and hope.

    Eye in eye, sails enmeshed,
    we're stumbling over rooftops
    aching for some random breeze
    to lift our tangle up, up,
    high over the peeking sun.




    Submitted on 2011-05-29 09:25:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      I actually didn't feel the piece offered any romantic tension or suggested that the people involved were in a relationship at all. What I got from it is two people who enable each other's bad habits and clash and tangle like bundled string. It's definitely more on the psychological side of things with a darker twist, especially at the end, when the speaker is practically begging someone to save them from the perpetual mess and at this point, like the painstaking task of trying to draw out tangled thread, the lives of these people are also beyond their own saving. Someone else must now weave them out.

    Interesting, thought-provoking, eye-catching. The metaphor of tangled lives is strong and the feeling of desperation is strikingly familiar and honest.

    I take it you took some of Jacob's advice however I would advise against changing too much more at this time. It's quite good as it is.
    | Posted on 2011-05-30 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ]
      getting tangled may be a good thing..enmeshed...in love...praying for that good breeze to carry us to sunrise...

    we fly in each other's arms...
    we constantly reknot even when we seem to uncoil...we start to come apart and yet are so tied together we don't separate.

    i see this as a wonderful metaphor...a couple suggestions...i would leave out the picture...and retitle the piece something like "Tangled Kites"

    then we would see the obvious figurative meaning of two kites getting entangled and as we read it...we would also see a possible literal meaning of lovers entangled in a relationship...

    i think the pic and description give away a bit too much to lead us only in the direction of the kites...

    but that's just a thought...the poem itself is magical for me...love the wording...

    all the way through from ground to sky to ground again...

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-05-29 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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