Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Flight From Fightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 182
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 625
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 904



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots Flight From Fightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Shadows of waves stand over my shoulders
    I
    f e e l the moistened breath of the great wall that is behind my back
    And as is sighs and breathes in behind me
    I turn around to face what threatens to come raining down

    ----------------------------------

    I could have planted my feet firmly in the path of the storm and withstood it all but my oh my I'm much to tired to stand here,
    instead I think I will take a seat and let this rain come down on me and embrace the sorrows that are to come if they come at all

    ------------------------------------

    the waves just sang outloud a song of mine and rushed for the sky, hohlding on, suspended in the air

    I watched all, never let it look away, till every drop had evaporated into the heavens






    Submitted on 2011-05-30 12:22:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow . . . my mind just went straight to sex. It seems the person is resisting a bit but wants to go through with it anyway. Kind of saying "oh well, let's do it" instead of "i can't bear all these emotions and feelings rising up and growing inside me - take me now" hehe. There are so many ways to take this. For some reason, I saw that on the first read. If I read it again, I'm sure I would get other meanings. Great write!
    | Posted on 2011-05-30 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem definitely need a few edits just in terms of typos. As far as editing beyond that: I would keep the first two stanzas ending at "come at all" -- and not chuck the rest but put it back on the drawing board. The first stanza is by far my favorite and mostly because I feel like it is powerful, and because I feel like it can touch on a lot of things very easily. It is the right way to start a poem, essentially. The second stanza needs a bit of work - but is still good because it is taking the poem in a direction. My gripe with the rest of it is that you seem to lose track of making a cogent poem -- and I can't really make sense of any of it. I kind of get that you're saying "I'll never know regardless of what I do" but the way in which you try to say that seems cross. In the conclusion, I don't really understand what the waves are and how your always looking stopped something from looking away.. etc. It seems like a reach for epic without any real content.

    On the more technical side, my only real issue with the first stanza is how you repeat behind and how in the second case, it follows breathes in. Breathes in behind strikes my mind with confusion because I don't know if you mean breathes in, or in behind (right away). My suggestion would be to keep breathes in but replace behind with "beyond".. Another point would be how you often write "I can" or "I could" or "it might" or such formulations. They are necessary in some cases, but otherwise I would try to strike them off from the poem because they fill it up unnecessarily (again, unless you are intentionally using the specific word for a purpose).

    Anyways, that is just what I would do with this poem -- this very fine poem.

    Marc.
    | Posted on 2011-05-30 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    191133

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Live In Between written by teika5
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry