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    dots Submission Name: Flight From Fightdots

    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 182
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 691
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 904


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    dots Flight From Fightdots

    Shadows of waves stand over my shoulders
    f e e l the moistened breath of the great wall that is behind my back
    And as is sighs and breathes in behind me
    I turn around to face what threatens to come raining down


    I could have planted my feet firmly in the path of the storm and withstood it all but my oh my I'm much to tired to stand here,
    instead I think I will take a seat and let this rain come down on me and embrace the sorrows that are to come if they come at all


    the waves just sang outloud a song of mine and rushed for the sky, hohlding on, suspended in the air

    I watched all, never let it look away, till every drop had evaporated into the heavens

    Submitted on 2011-05-30 12:22:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Wow . . . my mind just went straight to sex. It seems the person is resisting a bit but wants to go through with it anyway. Kind of saying "oh well, let's do it" instead of "i can't bear all these emotions and feelings rising up and growing inside me - take me now" hehe. There are so many ways to take this. For some reason, I saw that on the first read. If I read it again, I'm sure I would get other meanings. Great write!
    | Posted on 2011-05-30 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem definitely need a few edits just in terms of typos. As far as editing beyond that: I would keep the first two stanzas ending at "come at all" -- and not chuck the rest but put it back on the drawing board. The first stanza is by far my favorite and mostly because I feel like it is powerful, and because I feel like it can touch on a lot of things very easily. It is the right way to start a poem, essentially. The second stanza needs a bit of work - but is still good because it is taking the poem in a direction. My gripe with the rest of it is that you seem to lose track of making a cogent poem -- and I can't really make sense of any of it. I kind of get that you're saying "I'll never know regardless of what I do" but the way in which you try to say that seems cross. In the conclusion, I don't really understand what the waves are and how your always looking stopped something from looking away.. etc. It seems like a reach for epic without any real content.

    On the more technical side, my only real issue with the first stanza is how you repeat behind and how in the second case, it follows breathes in. Breathes in behind strikes my mind with confusion because I don't know if you mean breathes in, or in behind (right away). My suggestion would be to keep breathes in but replace behind with "beyond".. Another point would be how you often write "I can" or "I could" or "it might" or such formulations. They are necessary in some cases, but otherwise I would try to strike them off from the poem because they fill it up unnecessarily (again, unless you are intentionally using the specific word for a purpose).

    Anyways, that is just what I would do with this poem -- this very fine poem.

    | Posted on 2011-05-30 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]

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