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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: About Those Vague and Floating Things...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Soul-Hugger
    ASL Info:    33/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 401/217/62
    Words: 80
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 916
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 528



    Description:
       Just messing around.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAbout Those Vague and Floating Things...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    resistance is futile.
    a train will come rumbling along the track and sideswipe everything you know.
    the multicolour tapestry that is your personality
    will be squashed to oblivion, torn & unraveled
    & set to roving on the wind like a dandelion seed
    sent skyward with a faint breath and a vague wish.

    The train is Life. Circumstance.
    It is Nature. It is Natural.
    It is your destiny come round on rusted wheels
    with all its squealing and its thundering.




    Submitted on 2011-05-31 18:48:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I have been reading some good things on your page. i wanted to comment on the journal piece because i think that has lots of excellent but i think if i get started on that then i could get particularly wordy and there is a creative electrical storm going on in my heart and i would like to get to that.

    resistance is futile.
    a train will come rumbling along the track and sideswipe everything you know.

    I think that when people do pieces like this they can be hugely difficult to balance (the tecnical aspects, not the people). because they can be overly informal, too formal, make you sound like a *smartipants etc etc etc.

    this, is a poem.

    i like that it is informal in that second and third line, it sounds like you're telling me this over coffee.

    you know v , you know? which adds even more casualness to the line and that's how i initially read it. (already i can feel worlds worst comment coming on).


    the multicolour tapestry that is your personality

    sonically this line is rather pleasing. like you slipped in a bit of razzle dazzle thinking no-one would notice it because the line is a bit of a leader. it's so pleasing, i did notice it, it was so easily pulled off that it was obtrusive for being so nearly unobtrusive. (*worlds worst comment).


    will be squashed to oblivion, torn & unraveled

    this line is where the train nears the cliff and the poem could have gone careening away because that's two lines where it could be verging on a rant.


    & set to roving on the wind like a dandelion seed

    so i loved the use of the ampersand to carry a different momentum, that's a great volta in the poem and it really is achieved so smoothly.


    sent skyward with a faint breath and a vague wish.

    and in this line i like that things are slowed down. if you were the type that liked to provide readings then i would imagine this significantly slowed down with definite attention to the way things were enunciated. in that way and a vague wish has quietness about it, crispness & finality

    The train is Life. Circumstance.
    It is Nature. It is Natural.

    & here is another volta, a more powerful volta,
    this is the engineroom of the poem,
    and intellectually and in my heart i
    appreciated that leap most. you're really the boss of what you've written there, so i love that what you did at the start and then changed in the middle all brought you to a space where you made a good place of that control. Summarily, the ending is lovely.

    It is your destiny come round on rusted wheels
    with all its squealing and its thundering.

    i know i'm not a good explainer. i really admired what you did here with this poem.
    | Posted on 2011-08-01 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      I love your figures, especially the unravelled soul dandelion seeds! You handle them with a balance I appreciate. What I mean is: I was reading some of Milton the other day, and got angry with him for actually using all sorts of metaphors that have no connection with each other as images, and he is using them as actual words instead of words, so to speak. He had developed a complete language of metaphors and started using it without thinking, sort of. I counted in one long passage of verse: three different figures per line on average, none of them at all sustained or having an emotional connection to the central theme.

    Maybe you are better than Milton? Because your use of imagery delighted me instead of irritating!
    | Posted on 2011-07-26 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      Inevitability vs hope. That's what I wring from this. The train is the former, the dandelion seed the latter. I thought it a very unique combination of images.
    ~Chris
    | Posted on 2011-06-15 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      Though "just messing around" may imply a lack of concentration or harness on writing potential, I believe some of the most creative writing can be wrought by exploring themes and building them into your repertoire of ideas.

    With that said, this piece has a crude roughness about it. There's a lack of style and fluidity, something that makes this piece stand out on end. The poem consists of unrecognized angst because it's unclear the reasons for it. It exists, but serves no purpose. Emotion is good to portray, in fact, it's necessary, but you must have a direction with a connection to something real, not just a train that is deemed life. It's too obscure, too abstract. It's not to say that it doesn't belong but connect thoughts in a way that brings more esoteric elements more light and understanding.

    Let's go on with this train of thought and also eliminate vague references like "everything you know" and tighten the piece up with a suggestion like:

    A train rumbles against the track
    sideswiping tattered tapestry;
    the fabric of your multi-colored personality

    Just something I came up with off the top of my head but I feel it may offer something to you. Also, be mindful of certain verb uses like 'squash' because I don't see trains 'squashing,' more like crushing, colliding, shattering. Squashing (to me) has the connotation of landing on something with a fleshy, pulpy aftermath, or to the least, flatten. Tapestry is already flat, so it doesn't have a lot of meaning to me. A different type of destruction may do more justice for you.

    Usage of resistance is futile is just clich´┐Ż. However if you like it enough, I'd suggest using it not at the beginning. Establish the idea that resistance is futile, and then state it for impact. That's the grounds for clarity and may be helpful.

    I agree with Jacob on the part about the last stanza being too literal. Give your reader some credit and let them think your poem through without infiltrating their minds with your own meanings. Make due with more subtle vocabulary and strengthen your theme of the train of life without explicitly stating that it IS a train of life. There is beauty and art in inexplicitness, but in a way, you still have to guide us toward that theme in a way only you can. Solidifying this only comes with more writing practice and capturing any useful critique you've come across.

    Something I wanted to add, don't spoon-feed at all. Spoon-feeding implies you are saying stuff like this:
    "Life is a train
    you are a tapestry
    get ready for it to pulverize you
    into oblivion
    Now life's pwnd you
    GG"

    Nor is sugar-coated "saccharine" ineptitude allowed either, but definitely not spoon-feeding. Again, respect the intelligence of yourself (for writing it) and respect the intelligence of your audience (for reading it).

    Well I've said a mouthful, so I'll leave it at that. I hope I could be of some help.
    | Posted on 2011-06-01 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a test, this is only a test. Do not go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Do draw your Chance card. The Game will continue when you have caught your breath...

    Welcome to the Game. The first rule of The Game is: you do not talk about The Game. The second rule of The Game is: you DO NOT talk about The Game! The third rule of The Game is: always remember it's only a game. The forth rule of The Game is: the ultimate in paranoia still falls far short of reality, so you might as well relax and enjoy the show.

    For alternative and even more pointless rules see:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game_%28mind_game%29
    | Posted on 2011-06-01 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      like dust in the wind we are the dandelion seeds fluttering by. it looks like someone just punched our ticket! before i get derailed with more puns, let me just say i enjoyed the piece, it has some lines that hit the gut.

    the rusted wheels and thundering metaphor. for me that line seemed the most resonant and echoes "....the wind like a dandelion seed
    sent skyward with a faint breath and a vague wish." superbly.

    for me, those are the best lines of this piece. the rest seem like dressings for those lines. but its good nonetheless! dont mean to pick nits. but i agree with the previous comment, imply more, be more subtle. spoon-feed but dont make it too saccharine, you can even leave a bitter taste in their mouths. leave em wanting more!

    last nit to pick; in the title when referring to something vague, it seems redundant to actually use the word 'vague' (but this is only based on my interpretation of the title in reference to the context within piece.) and the word 'thing' is kind of vague in itself. perhaps 'About Those (bizarre, tiny or-whatever-adjective-or-none-at-all) Floating Things...' would give it more punch!

    thanks for the read.

    peace.

    -pietro
    | Posted on 2011-05-31 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]
      as much as there is a picture to the second stanza...i was a bit let down by it...like there was too much...

    i absolutely love the first stanza...loved the last line of it immensely...and felt it was a great stopping point for the poem..

    i know you wanted to bring closure and symmetry to the train metaphor...

    but the imagery in the first part with the dandelions ...wow...innovative, fresh..and blew me away like i was a seed...
    actually rereading it an idea struck me...

    keep the second stanza but maybe eliminate the first line of it and let the metaphor speak for itself...

    rather than naming the figurative and literal..leave them both implied..that stanza would wrap this up nicely that way...

    just thoughts

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-05-31 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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