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Through my eyes

Author: Mithrandir
ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452 /681 /113
Words: 163
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1215
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1146


this is to you, though I doubt you will ever read it!

Through my eyes

If your eyes were open
then maybe, maybe
there would be
peace to be found

Yet the moment is
caught on the wind
like spent embers
of a once passionate fire

Ashes, ashes
and the homestead
walls fell down

No comfort to bring
frigid hands
atrophied in the wake
of lost hope

If only eyes would open
then maybe, just maybe
peace could be found

Let the rains come
so we may wake to find
countless sins washed away

Trade the desire
for victory and find solace
in compromise

though this fire may die
a new one can start

If only you could see
through these eyes
Maybe then you'd
believe in what I've
been trying to say

Darling girl
beautiful and subtle
you are loved
we can save your heart
just open your eyes
to find I've been here all along

Submitted on 2011-06-04 10:38:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  The next to last stanza feels pretty rough the way I read it. Consider, through line-breaking, adding emphasis on impactful words to strengthen the meaning of words. Here's what I would suggest:

If only
you could see
through these eyes

Maybe you'd then believe
in what I've been
trying to say

Can you see the visual effect of this? The rise and fall of the line? Depending on what effect you're looking for, there may be something else you're needing, but this seemed very effective to me after I read it.

The total effect of this poem in my opinion could probably be nitpicked line by line. Your line-breaking is unusual and doesn't give me much eye candy, so points on style goes down. Here's the double-standard about writing to me: you can write the most amazing thing in the world, but if it's not formatted correctly, the meaning can be lost, lose its purpose and edge, and leave the audience hanging. So, for future reference, combining all those skills together can make a more splendid piece.
| Posted on 2011-06-12 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ]
  i really like two things here immensely...

the "ashes" "homestead" stanza...really innovative there..

and in the last stanza the "we"

rather than i can save you..."we" together as one can mend the broken walls, with compromise..

nice theme...pretty straightforward poem in a way..but with nice phrasing and good imagery...

and this has a solid symmetry to it.

| Posted on 2011-06-04 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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