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    dots Submission Name: Through my eyesdots

    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 163
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 818
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1146

       this is to you, though I doubt you will ever read it!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThrough my eyesdots

    If your eyes were open
    then maybe, maybe
    there would be
    peace to be found

    Yet the moment is
    caught on the wind
    like spent embers
    of a once passionate fire

    Ashes, ashes
    and the homestead
    walls fell down

    No comfort to bring
    frigid hands
    atrophied in the wake
    of lost hope

    If only eyes would open
    then maybe, just maybe
    peace could be found

    Let the rains come
    so we may wake to find
    countless sins washed away

    Trade the desire
    for victory and find solace
    in compromise

    though this fire may die
    a new one can start

    If only you could see
    through these eyes
    Maybe then you'd
    believe in what I've
    been trying to say

    Darling girl
    beautiful and subtle
    you are loved
    we can save your heart
    just open your eyes
    to find I've been here all along

    Submitted on 2011-06-04 10:38:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The next to last stanza feels pretty rough the way I read it. Consider, through line-breaking, adding emphasis on impactful words to strengthen the meaning of words. Here's what I would suggest:

    If only
    you could see
    through these eyes

    Maybe you'd then believe
    in what I've been
    trying to say

    Can you see the visual effect of this? The rise and fall of the line? Depending on what effect you're looking for, there may be something else you're needing, but this seemed very effective to me after I read it.

    The total effect of this poem in my opinion could probably be nitpicked line by line. Your line-breaking is unusual and doesn't give me much eye candy, so points on style goes down. Here's the double-standard about writing to me: you can write the most amazing thing in the world, but if it's not formatted correctly, the meaning can be lost, lose its purpose and edge, and leave the audience hanging. So, for future reference, combining all those skills together can make a more splendid piece.
    | Posted on 2011-06-12 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like two things here immensely...

    the "ashes" "homestead" stanza...really innovative there..

    and in the last stanza the "we"

    rather than i can save you..."we" together as one can mend the broken walls, with compromise..

    nice theme...pretty straightforward poem in a way..but with nice phrasing and good imagery...

    and this has a solid symmetry to it.

    | Posted on 2011-06-04 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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