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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Me and you.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: EEKS
    Elite Ratio:    2.7 - 647/1206/773
    Words: 201
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 915
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 964



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMe and you.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sometimes it feels like you blend into me, and where my mouth ends, yours starts but then it opens up and we are ruined.
    And you always have terrible things to say and there is so much space between us I could sink in it. I don't want to forget any parts of me but I wish there were more to us that fit.
    I wish you got out of your head once in a while and I wish that I knew how to get you into mine the same way that I wish you wanted to run through fields at midnight just to feel how cool it gets when the sun goes down and you can barely breathe you feel so alive all at once and its everything you've kept yourself from for weeks in one single minute and it feels like forever. But you got to bed early and you wake up early and with all the time you have, there is a lot thats not meant for me.
    What happens if I want you so much, it tears me in two? It could do that, I think sometimes. It could rip me into pieces.




    Submitted on 2011-06-05 22:39:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I don't want to forget any parts of me but I wish there were more to us that fit.

    I liked that line a lot.
    | Posted on 2011-07-28 00:00:00 | by Joybell | [ Reply to This ]
      Even though it was short, it was hard to read - it made it seem like work. Better structuring would help this a lot. I understand just flowing and letting it feel like it is happening as it is happening - in order for it to work though, I think, you need to have it structured in a certain way that captures the feel and the direction you want it to go without making the reader work to get into it. Naturally immersive - that's what you should be going for. It was an interesting read though.
    | Posted on 2011-06-06 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      really like the opener of this prosaic rant..

    i would have liked to see this conclude at the end of the first paragraph...that gives us something to digest when we are done...the last paragraph gives a bit too much i think...
    but i am just one opinion...

    the stream of consciousness works with the gushing feelings...very well..."where my mouth ends and yours starts"

    cool

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-06-06 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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