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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I Will Not Tell You (working title)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 142
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1217
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 923



    Description:
       i initially wrote this quickly as the thoughts came, but never submitted it...after looking at it on my desktop for 3 weeks now, and for some reason unable to edit, i decided to just post it. blah....blah...blah!

    it is what it is...unfinished and unedited!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Will Not Tell You (working title)dots
    -------------------------------------------



    i

    will not tell you that
    this morning, when looking upon your naked body
    sprawled across our bed,

    each joint, sinew and fiber, intricately entwined as
    if it were the DNA of God-

    that

    in your sleeping face i unfurl like a galaxy, and
    the universe finds its meaning- but

    as

    the scent of your breath fades, and the imprint of my fingers,
    of my lips-
    dissolve into the stratum of your skin

    and,

    if we are caught in the iron teeth of the marauder sun- and
    like supernovas perish as martyrs, each

    particle

    shall find its way back, and collect in the creases that
    our bodies
    have etched in this bed, and

    here

    we shall create our own cosmos- and
    nothing need be spoken.




    Submitted on 2011-06-09 17:05:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Yes indeed I do see what you're talking about.
    It's not like having only meaning in one aspect of a relationship, but it's opening up entirely new meanings to surround itself in.
    Like the intertwining metaphors of religion and science.

    DNA of God
    Super novas perish as martyrs (really cool line)

    It's not having one meaning to something, it's creating different parts of explaining one thing.

    Why do I love? Or as the existentialist would say: Do I love you at all? And then there's the nihilist: There is no love, dear.

    This poem is VERY good in that respect.
    I'm glad that my piece reminded you of this work--it's really good stuff.

    + fav'd

    Matt
    | Posted on 2012-01-07 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
      this doesn't need an edit, the sound is pure and like a gift you received. so don't change a word, ok?

    love and the vulnerability of the human condition, what could be a better theme

    and yet, we're immortal

    beautiful! it's a fave..

    Love,

    Nan
    | Posted on 2011-06-18 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm going to touch base with rws on the fact that the first stanza, in proportion to the rest of the poem, is quite cumbersome. I think it stands alone, or would do better in a piece that offered similar structure throughout.

    I never tell people exactly what to write in response to critique because that's hindering your thought process and settling on someone else's idea ( sorry to be a bummer, I like suggestions, just not flat-out word placement). So here's what I think:

    Phrases like "as if it were" are bulky (this applies if you want to try to narrow down your first stanza to reflect the rest of the poem) and I would suggest eliminating phrasing like that and supplement more subtle and delicate metaphor and in the process you will come out saying more with less. That's the ultimate beauty to writing in my opinion, to say everything that need be said with as little words as possible, or as many as necessary.

    I do love "dissolve in the stratum of your skin." It's so vivid and honest to me, like two people becoming one in a most genuinely described way. No one can take that away from you.

    The pausing on particle was hard to deal with. I think it's the syllables as in correspondence to the other paused words that are relatively simple. It didn't resonate with me.

    I very much enjoyed this.
    | Posted on 2011-06-11 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ]
      JP, other than the lumpiness of the first stanza, this is quite good. I has no fat and clutter and doesn't meander (as some of your longer posts have done), but it stays on point for the better part of its length. Santi's suggestion is a good one. Iwould suggest cosmos as a replacement for world in the last two lines.

    Bill
    | Posted on 2011-06-11 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      thank you for the comment and suggestions.

    regarding the "field of wild fowlers", i've been thinking of using constellation...idk its still very raw and i may or may not using anything. however, at some point, i will be editing it;)

    jp
    | Posted on 2011-06-10 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Some first thoughts: I think that the first stanza could be broken up differently. Throughout the rest of your poem, I really enjoy what you've done in this regard. Everything seems to be on an edge & lingering, & it's a great affect. I also don't think the "field of wildflowers" is necessary, as the heart of the poem contains celestial imagery.

    i

    will not tell you that
    this morning, when looking upon your naked body
    sprawled across our bed,

    each joint, sinew and fiber, intricately entwined as if
    if were the DNA of God-


    there also seems to be a tense issue. "this morning" implies past tense, & the first stanza is in past tense, but the rest is present. I think that present tense works better, but that causes a little bit of a predicament with the first. Something to look into I guess.

    my other suggestion is that maybe consider "universe" instead of "world" in the last line. You have created an entire galaxy in this poem, suddenly making the word "world" seem not big enough.

    There is so much beauty in this, but I find you reign it in by having fantastic progression. Beginning in bed & ending there, again. In a way it reminds me of the last time I was at the San Francisco planetarium & took the virtual tour of the stars. Taking a trip through the galaxy. This has the same affect, only far more romantic & poetic.

    There is also something fatalistic about this, but in a good way -- that feeling that, if we died tomorrow, we would feel fulfilled by this experience, & right now we are creating something beautiful.

    So yes, pretty for sure, & all encompassing the way good love (& I suppose bad love) can be.
    | Posted on 2011-06-10 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      this is really very pretty; pretty in the sense that it flows like clean sheets in a warm breeze hung to dry.

    this is a reminder to me that love is large. huge. infinite.

    as well, that sometimes, sometimes, (for those that are lucky enough), one can find that other part that fits. like there are no longer missing peices to the whys of living. i think too, when you find it, there really are no words, as it is more a feeling and a knowing that can't quite be expressed.

    anyhoo... an unspecified of sorts.
    | Posted on 2011-06-10 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
      sometimes quickly is good...natural..

    i am trying to find criticisms of this.. to be of more help if you are looking to tinker with it....

    but i like the way it sounds...i like the images...the feeling i get from it is that we have this nightly interlude..all else forgotten...we lose ourselves in each other's bodies...

    like DNA coming together...like a fusion of particles...then with the sun those particles dissolve into day and we go our separate ways...only to fuse again when the next night comes.
    and there is understanding of who we are, what we are...
    in silence we appreciate each other...what could be spoken does not need to be...for we know......we know.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-06-09 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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