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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Some Nonsense and a Feverdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sir Jimeth
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 93/49/48
    Words: 180
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 740
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1134



    Description:
       I wouldn't advise commenting on this, it isn't meant for much of anything than dealing with this fever. Publicly. Let's just mock me in our heads.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSome Nonsense and a Feverdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Waking to this undesirable fatigue
    and somehow these eyes don't have much to say
    just feel
    warm and heavy much like cheeks and

    God, if it weren't for you I'd slip and

    Belief is not to be had and I sleep while I walk and

    Somehow this morning I felt different, relaxed
    taken with this pill it slips, but now this moisture
    feels too much right there, perhaps another

    But I tire of these games, slipping into some coma
    is preferable and I feel that upon waking we'll see
    a difference between you and I that wasn't

    It was, well have this day and pay your bills and

    Work, my breath carries heat to my head
    this place could be anywhere
    anytime
    anyway I don't see it filling much more
    I sleep while I walk and consciousness holds
    I see the world as I melt and wonder when
    the turn will come

    Twist and there is nothing despite this heat
    I remember every day and

    Every day I want nothing but rest




    Submitted on 2011-06-10 13:05:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Personally, I would not recommend to write "I wouldn't advise commenting on this" Especially here where it's hard to yield words out of someone, to put it that way.

    As to your write I would say that this could make a good poem. I like some of your lines and transitions. I found this lines particularly riveting

    "I sleep while I walk and consciousness holds
    I see the world as I melt and wonder when
    the turn will come"

    They seem more significant and meaningful than just plain fever .... at least from where I'm standing.

    There are some typos here and there. I don't know whether to point them out or not but I'll do it just in case. For instance,

    "But I tire of these games" I guess you meant "I'm tired"

    and I believe you meant "feeling" here instead "anyway I don't see it filling much more"

    Well that's all for now.

    Cheers,

    Ethan Brody
    | Posted on 2011-07-04 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    191265

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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