Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bleached Promisesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 629
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 980



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBleached Promisesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I turn to see you standing in a pose
    that whispers of forgotten youth
    stuck between fickle teeth
    of characters lost and fumbling
    in a game of incomplete riddles
    trapped in the gears of reality
    of you and me.

    My laughter is drowned and bloating
    in piles of spent smiles worn thin
    by winters passed facing empty reflections
    in windows with stars hiding your name.
    My head is a ballroom
    skeleton thoughts frequent no more.
    There used to be a young believer
    in fairy-tale complexions
    underlying all things real.

    so

    Knitted veils hang freely
    over all that once stood decided,
    yet we speak of sin no more,
    no less.
    We are ghosts now, spread thinly
    over chasms that once housed yesterdays
    and tomorrows.

    Bleached promises.

    -Svw




    Submitted on 2011-06-15 09:45:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i like this...but i wanted to see something more with the teeth...and the skeleton...i like the metaphors...and images...very much

    but it felt like a thread was missing..something that would tie all three stanzas together...felt like separate parts...although lots of the wording/phrasing is beautiful..and i didn't see the original title..but what a suggestion for the one you ended up with..very enticing title..
    Bleached Promises--
    ghosts, fairy tale complexions sort of remind me of something white , something bleached...but i wished for a stronger connection...

    i do see a relationship that just didn't quite get there...we are ghosts, reminders of what could have been...

    so much to like...just felt a bit scattered to me...

    but i am only one reader...one opinion.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-06-15 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Gosh dude . You seem to be describing the reflections of a man who is old and decrepit well beyond your years . Your youthful exuberance waning , your childhood innocence gone , your relationship tired and worn thin . Imagination never grows old . It is by definition new , and it's immaturitys always breed new thoughts and ideas . I'm 58 yrs old and still revere the fantasies of the unicorn . I like to think I'm still young at heart , capable of intense passions . Granted I'm balding and going grey but there's still the promise of a new spring season , the revelries of summer , the contemplations of fall . Life is good ! I don't know , maybe I'm babbling here and your just describing a relationship that for some reason has withered with the passage of time . I have experienced this before , but you can't let it cause you to forget to smell the roses . I assure you they are still shooting up anew in the morning sun .

    Bruce
    | Posted on 2011-06-15 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]
      I think your title should be "bleached promises". There's a catchy imagery behind it. It sets the mood when beginning to read your work.

    This feels like a poem on memory. The things that were - The beauty of youth in yesterdays.

    I found it easy as a reader to blend with your words, to be intertwined in them.

    Nicely done.

    Cheers,
    | Posted on 2011-06-15 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    191336

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry