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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The lady in the black dressdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 428
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 595



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe lady in the black dressdots
    -------------------------------------------


    There is a lady that fills a black dress
    on the mountains of my heart.
    My tongue edges to move and confess
    yearnings of an unbroken start.

    Life, the fragile game, a reprise,
    the pages flood my dreams with tears.
    Sipping stories of love's infant demise
    has me choking on bittersweet years.

    I would gladly swallow if you choose,
    my love, this pear of anguish.
    Life is a game we cannot really lose
    since winning is a broken wish.


    -Svw




    Submitted on 2011-06-18 18:15:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hi had a Sensing in this one that brings a fragrance of bitter-sweet Mild Red spiked with the Essence of Love colours Pink on a Wind intermingled with a vague lamenting Blue substance of "Speak to me from the heart of hearts" to the fore. For Life is fragile as Purple is Pure.

    Regards Joachim
    | Posted on 2011-06-21 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]
      A love a non-traditional love poem. I will tend to agree with Jacob on this one, so I will try to keep this from redundancy. You have such am interesting way of using syntax, words that are obscure and interesting. I think I also would have liked to have seen the use of the word "fragile" as opposed to "frangible". It feels a little too forced for my taste. Bear in mind that this is opinion which really counts for nothing unless you want to consider it.

    Other than that it is an engaging, mysterious read. I prefer the angst and tragedy of love as opposed to the syrup and sap. Love isn't sappy, it's just a toe's length from hate. I had a psychology professor who used to say that love and hate are the closest emotions in the human psyche. I must say I believe her over the contrast which the greeting card companies like to suggest.

    I liked your piece very much. Thank you for sharing it!
    ~clover
    | Posted on 2011-06-19 00:00:00 | by clovernfoxglove | [ Reply to This ]
      I know this might seem self serving but I think you need a dose of my poems "Lonely" and "Ransom" . Together their hardly longer than this piece but they express my feelings about it probably better than I could recount . Such a bittersweet tale of affection and jaded realism . Vividly brought to life I might add .

    Bruce
    | Posted on 2011-06-19 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]
      i find this piece rather interesting...although "frangilble" is a cool word...i would have used "fragile" there...would seem to fit with the rest of the poem better, and "frangilble" is a bit trippy...

    i think sometimes we use interesting, unique vocabulary in pieces we write...and it may feel good to use the words...but poetically they can hinder the flow...and stall the emotion of the piece a bit..in other words, stand out too much and draw too much attention..

    really like "since winning is a broken wish" but would like to see that be the stopping point of the poem...it is a zinger line...and wraps the piece up nicely...
    "i confess" feels like an afterthought...

    but ...those are just thoughts...

    this lady? mysterious...could be a woman to love...a tangible woman...could be the muse...both would fit...especially with the second stanza...that's good stuff there.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-06-19 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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