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    dots Submission Name: Bird Dendots

    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 483
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 789


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBird Dendots

    casting a shadow over my footsteps until I can't even tell you if I am making any progress

    Trust this
    know that I am making a step

    Looking back, just to scare myself so what is the point
    toward self serving methods of

    Combat it
    Travel with heavy weapons
    Wear Armor

    I run and feel stronger

    The window was left open while I slept and a bitter infection crept in with the morning dew,
    settled on my chest

    I can't breathe
    or I am not trying

    Off Guard

    Not turning around
    Waiting on this shadow to catch up beside me

    Submitted on 2011-06-22 09:40:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the flickers visible between the lines. You stumbled on something here. Just need to master it that's all... The poem feels a bit dis-articulated as it is...
    | Posted on 2011-06-30 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      I like how you describe your doubts at the beginning - the whole tank-like line. For some reason I pictured a little girl with big bright eyes holding a little stuffed toy bunny standing in front of a tank that is slowly moving closer to her, hehe.

    I liked how in the next bit you talk about how you know that you are moving forward and the reader should know as well - and the only reason why you keep letting the past bring you down is for reasons that are things you need to work on.

    Then the description of fighting it. I saw the bright eyed little girl put the bunny down and put on armor and grab weapons four times her size ready to turn that tank into dust.

    But then, you go back. Giving up because of something . . . and you let the shadow . . . you almost want this shadow - which you pushed back a bit - to come up next to you and let it just take you down.

    I love your writings. Just wish I could explore them some more. "Hang Gliding" and "Round Like" weren't really making me lost - I just rushed through them. So I will definitely make time at some time to get into it. You create really cool pictures and the way you describe emotions and make them relatable is great. Even rushing through the reader comes off with the general feeling of what you're describing instead of not feeling anything at all. Love it.
    | Posted on 2011-06-24 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this symbol of a soldier, making progress through the battle. It sort of "illuminates" a struggle through life, if I may be so blunt.
    I like the use of the tank in the first stanza, casting shadows. The motif of unsure progress is also really cool, it speaks on a very personal for us all, but I really like it because it kind of shows a simplicity in the hard life of a soldier. While soldiers have hard lifes in war, it is also very simple on paper, follow orders.
    Now im not sure what the shadow may represent, it could be doubt or fear of marching forward?
    good write i quite enjoyed it
    | Posted on 2011-06-22 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]

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