water sitting on your front porch creating the stench that will not remove itself from your senses or your memory
Bleeding into your subconscious
At some point you will be acutely aware as they say, of all the things that made me treble
Of all the curiosities in my untrained heart
I was a balanced dancer thrown off guard by the beat of your darkly tuned tambourine
and I fell
that I was being caught
The room was much too dark
The light was shining in my eyes
The music had me spinning
so quickly spinning
that my stomache turned inside out and I made vomit out of my life
Bethrothed to something that wasn't there
Like my damn finger was cutt off I danced into the midst of the most violent storm
And desperately tried to stand
But in the rain
and the lighting that beat on my chest
the heat that threatened to suffocate me
I cried out for God to save me
I knelt down for mercy of my sins and mistakes
I called your name
I called his name
I called her name
and her name
and the names of all our children
and mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters
I called out
This is my heart
This is where I have been standing all along
Watching lies and deception and preprogramned televised horror westerns
Featuring the best of
lust and pain
Feet have to plant somewhere
Rain will make way for the sun
Haven't thought of you
or your daughter
never really liked your brother
But yeah - all the other stuff I stated before was bull. That's what happens when you're tired and blaze through something. You clearly stated that you are talking to a person who has doubts about whoever it is on the other side of this and it all makes sense. It is a really cool write. Good stuff.
I really liked this, from the calm beginning, to the climatic end.
"This is where I have been standing all along
Watching lies and deception and preprogramned televised horror, westerns
Featuring the best of
lust and pain"
I dont really know what to think about that besides the fact that it is very clever.
Im not sure that I like the transition from the very despairing tone, into the more agressive dark suffocation part. Or the whole music/dancing metaphor, its just that I've seen it a few more times than I wanted to.
I would definetly give this a second look if I were you, try to smooth out the transition and maybe try to veil the whole "praying" part with more obscure language and abstractions.