[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Grasping Strawsdots

    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 291
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 424
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1895


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGrasping Strawsdots

    water sitting on your front porch creating the stench that will not remove itself from your senses or your memory

    Bleeding into your subconscious
    At some point you will be acutely aware as they say, of all the things that made me treble

    Of all the curiosities in my untrained heart

    I was a balanced dancer thrown off guard by the beat of your darkly tuned tambourine
    and I fell

    Into arms
    that I was being caught

    The room was much too dark
    The light was shining in my eyes
    The music had me spinning
    so quickly spinning
    that my stomache turned inside out and I made vomit out of my life

    Dearly Beloved,
    Bethrothed to something that wasn't there
    Like my damn finger was cutt off I danced into the midst of the most violent storm
    And desperately tried to stand

    But in the rain
    and the lighting that beat on my chest
    the heat that threatened to suffocate me

    I cried out for God to save me
    I knelt down for mercy of my sins and mistakes
    I called your name
    I called his name
    I called her name
    and her name
    and the names of all our children
    and mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters

    I called out
    Selfishly screamed
    This is my heart
    This is where I have been standing all along
    Watching lies and deception and preprogramned televised horror westerns
    Featuring the best of
    lust and pain

    Feet have to plant somewhere
    Rain will make way for the sun
    Haven't cried
    Haven't thought of you
    or your daughter
    never really liked your brother

    Submitted on 2011-06-23 16:01:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      But yeah - all the other stuff I stated before was bull. That's what happens when you're tired and blaze through something. You clearly stated that you are talking to a person who has doubts about whoever it is on the other side of this and it all makes sense. It is a really cool write. Good stuff.
    | Posted on 2011-06-23 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this, from the calm beginning, to the climatic end.

    "This is where I have been standing all along
    Watching lies and deception and preprogramned televised horror, westerns
    Featuring the best of
    lust and pain"

    I dont really know what to think about that besides the fact that it is very clever.

    Im not sure that I like the transition from the very despairing tone, into the more agressive dark suffocation part. Or the whole music/dancing metaphor, its just that I've seen it a few more times than I wanted to.

    I would definetly give this a second look if I were you, try to smooth out the transition and maybe try to veil the whole "praying" part with more obscure language and abstractions.
    | Posted on 2011-06-23 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    The World written by jjd
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]