Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: And He Said Hello...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: unwantedlove20
    Elite Ratio:    4.39 - 16/12/11
    Words: 169
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 520
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 957



    Description:
       This isnt my best its just a scenario i saw myself in and i wanted to write it down..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAnd He Said Hello...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    i reviewed a million times a million ways to Begin and a million ways our conversation would end...i played with my fingers and never looked him in the eyes...such beautiful eyes...soon i have to go and he asks me for my number..i smile n give it to him and he gives me his..................wen i get home i avoid the phone knowing it will only tempt me into dialing 10 digits that mean so much to me...i dont want to seem desperate....i wait three days and i pick up the phone and stare at the Menacing numbers that seem to laugh at my timidness...i take a deep breath and dial the ten digits that i now knew better than i knew myself at the moment.....it rings three times and then he said "hello" i heard a sharp screeching noise followed by some horror filled screams i stay paralyzed listening...listening to his terrified screams....the connection suddenly cuts.....and im left with the heavy weight of my loved ones life on my shoulders....




    Submitted on 2011-06-25 18:41:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It's not bad, really. It has a lot of the same tone and word choice as a lot of the "lesser" works but it doesn't quite fall into that category.
    It's natural human emotion well constructed into a poem.
    I give it a 4, but no one rates anymore lol.
    May I suggest, and I say this quite a bit, but try to stray from using such an earthy tone. It makes the read more enjoyable so it doesnt look like you're reading a journal entry.
    How you wrote the end, is how you should write the whole thing. Just a suggestion.
    | Posted on 2011-06-26 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    191485

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Aftermath and Waltz written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    To the Epilogue written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Incubus written by monad
    Limbo written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    Blood to Plowshares written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Lunch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    ME written by jjd
    Still written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    untitled written by Chelebel
    The Search written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Watch them Die written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Skulls Beyond the Palisade written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Last to Walk the Earth written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Sunt Mala Quae Libas written by MyPeriodical
    Love and Solitaire written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Dirge of Nostalgia written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry