Description: This isnt my best its just a scenario i saw myself in and i wanted to write it down..
And He Said Hello... -------------------------------------------
i reviewed a million times a million ways to Begin and a million ways our conversation would end...i played with my fingers and never looked him in the eyes...such beautiful eyes...soon i have to go and he asks me for my number..i smile n give it to him and he gives me his..................wen i get home i avoid the phone knowing it will only tempt me into dialing 10 digits that mean so much to me...i dont want to seem desperate....i wait three days and i pick up the phone and stare at the Menacing numbers that seem to laugh at my timidness...i take a deep breath and dial the ten digits that i now knew better than i knew myself at the moment.....it rings three times and then he said "hello" i heard a sharp screeching noise followed by some horror filled screams i stay paralyzed listening...listening to his terrified screams....the connection suddenly cuts.....and im left with the heavy weight of my loved ones life on my shoulders....
It's not bad, really. It has a lot of the same tone and word choice as a lot of the "lesser" works but it doesn't quite fall into that category.
It's natural human emotion well constructed into a poem.
I give it a 4, but no one rates anymore lol.
May I suggest, and I say this quite a bit, but try to stray from using such an earthy tone. It makes the read more enjoyable so it doesnt look like you're reading a journal entry.
How you wrote the end, is how you should write the whole thing. Just a suggestion.