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    dots Submission Name: egodots

    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 520
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 616


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Please excuse my ego,
    it is poisoned with letting go.
    But I allow it to dissolve
    just like your love.

    Please excuse my ego,
    the quiver makes not the bow,
    it is scared of letting me know
    that I know exactly where to go...

    Please excuse my ego,
    It is running to and fro,
    looking for your carcass...
    Parts of the looking glass..

    Please excuse my ego,
    I know you love yours,
    but do YOU know where to go?
    When nature takes its course...


    Submitted on 2011-06-26 04:23:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      It seems as if two lovers who had parted are now separately trying to find a way to be together yet pride gets in their way. It sounds as though neither of them is willing to give the first step and that's something that everyone here can relate, in my book.

    Your write seems quite nice. There's a rhyme scheme present in in almost all the stanzas and I reckon it works out fairly well. But when one hits stanza three the reader perceives a break/a pause, a different scheme. Then the poem continues following the same pattern as stanza 1 and 2. I'm not sure whether the break displayed in the middle regarding stanza 3 is favourable to your piece or not. I would have preferred not to have made the aforesaid stanza different from the others.

    I did however love this particular line "the quiver makes not the bow" It's my favourite one and the highlight of this work, as far as I'm concerned.

    Well, that's all.
    Keep posting,


    Ethan Brody
    | Posted on 2011-07-02 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      it's like..i don't need you now...and i hope you rot in hell...i want to see your carcass...it will tell me that you needed me and died without me...

    at least figuratively...this is a nice tight piece...woven with soft rhyme.

    | Posted on 2011-06-26 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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