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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Smudged glassdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 974
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 552



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSmudged glassdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Cursive relations pursed to bind
    stirs the wanderlust in my mind,
    but I am tired of your rat race,
    tired of your face.

    A quagmire of dissuasions
    all perused on occasions,
    but I am lonely, know more,
    I watch you shatter to floor...

    I got a word it rhymes with floor
    and door, it starts with a double you
    but I will feed the ego no more..
    This time the light breaks your skin
    so I can see through...

    -Svw




    Submitted on 2011-06-26 04:32:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Gee, Clayman, you got an [censored] on your page this year before I did! I'm jealous!

    I think this is a nice work, and knowing the history behind it (my opposite-world mirror-soul), I think it's written well. Love is a mudhole. And sometimes a real [censored]hole, too.

    I think the last part provides a humorous twist to it, and your last commentor rhymes also with door and floor... all that yaddah-yaddah, just to be a bore...

    Keep that pen moving, my dear friend. And let the haters and beraters keep penning too... as Katt Williams says, you can always use more haters, it means you're doing something RIGHT.
    | Posted on 2011-06-28 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
       I am going with a train of thought critique (I've already read the poem and now am reading through it again with my thoughts here for you and whatever you want to take from it):

    The first section is a bit opaque to me as I relate "cursive" with a form of writing. So here's what I'm going with on stanza one: cursive writing is composed of letters connected to each other. So perhaps "cursive relationships" relates to a string of relationships with no alone time in between. "Pursued to bind" I don't know beyond that cursive letters are bound to each other in a sense.
    Next line: "stirs the wanderlust in my mind"
    wanderlust is a desire to travel. So this string of relationships brings about a desire to travel? Perhaps you are travelling back to a past relationship. I only guess that last sentence because of the third and fourth line which both suggest there is someone in your past (recent past?) who has perturbed you.
    their "rat race" I guess is you being tired of having to compete with their multiple affairs? Multiple possibilities? Is this an ex at all or someone who just led you on and you're tired of it?
    I may just be too literal, but I'm lost already.

    Second stanza time
    The first two lines in this stanza I've been trying to figure out some figurative meaning for, but it's just... more opaque than anything in the first stanza. The wordplay of "know more" isn't particularly brilliant and because I am already lost at this point I don't know. I guess you have found someone and so you are no longer lonely and you know more than you did when you became involved with the person whose face you have tired of.
    Watching the individual shatter to the floor is just. That. I don't know how this individual is shattered, I don't know what meaning this has, I don't know anything other than you feel you've achieved some kind of victory, retribution.... maybe freedom? Maybe you are seeing your idolization of the person shatter?
    Again, I end up just confused.

    Third stanza:
    The stanza that could have gone an extra mile and changed something in message, but just stuck with change in mechanics, sorta.
    Maybe there is meaning to using "double you" instead of "w". I think it is clever in a young "gotcha" kind of way to refer to the word whore, but ultimately, eh, whatever.
    Feed the ego no more leads me to the previous idea that this was someone who was more a tease, a person leading the speaker on, more than an ex. This line could also connect to the refusal to be part of the rat race. It makes sense to me if what I think of it being about someone who led the speaker on is accurate.
    The light breaking skin so you can see through seems obvious enough. You are seeing beneath the mask to the real person. This line I feel should come somewhere before the "shatter to the floor" thing as the "shatter to the floor" thing makes more sense if it comes after you seeing through the act the person puts on.

    Final thoughts:

    You rhyme too much and I dislike rhyming. More importantly your rhymes seem forced and meaningless. The first section gives me the impression you aren't really trying here.

    It's the last section that appeals to me. The rhymes still feel forced, and you break from the scheme in the first two sections, which isn't a bad thing to me if it had some meaning, but the negativity expressed in the first two is continued on the third so the literal break from the rest of the poem isn't transferred to the actual message of the poem.
    If the first two sections had some hint of a positive side to whoever (getting to that) you are referring to and then the third hit the way it did you would not only break from the direction the poem might have been going but also literally broken from the poems scheme. You did not do that and I feel you missed an opportunity there.

    Overall the third stanza is my favorite because it seems to be more obvious and clear than everything before it and because it breaks away from
    A
    A
    B
    B
    Repeat.
    | Posted on 2011-06-26 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      a couple lines feel undone...a bit awkward like the last one..the rhythm is thrown off a bit...

    but overall a nice sequel to "ego"

    i like the floor/door stuff..and the first two lines of the second stanza rock...did you intend "know more" that spelling of "know"?
    just wondering...

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-06-26 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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